Trading Up

This is a sort of fun post to write about.

I'm not sure if I ever wrote about my wedding rings and engagement ring(s). See my true engagement ring I wear on my right hand every day. It was never meant to be a right hand ring. The jeweler had assured us that there was to be a matching band. It was back when the antique settings were coming back in vogue.  Of course with our luck, the band never came out. The way that ring sits, any band just doesn't sit flat with it.

So what does any bride to be do? Gets a whole different set! lol. I don't have too many good pictures of it but here it is:

The bratty part of me was always telling K that I wasn't attached to that set because the engagement part of it wasn't really my e-ring. I know I was very bitchy and annoying about it. My rings were really pretty. I really am a lucky girl. So for the last five years (can't believe we're going to be hitting our 5 yr wedding anniversary this July) I've been visiting jewelry stores (mainly when getting all current stuff cleaned/inspected) and picking out dream rings. Poor K has had to listen to me harp on the fact that I wanted to trade up. Such a bitch I tell you!

So we went to the jewelry store and I found something that I loved. And we got it. I ended up trading in my (2nd) e-ring but keeping the wedding band from my set. That was always what I kept telling K all the time. That I was attached to the band because I got that on our wedding day but not the e-ring because I just got that in passing. Well, you know what? Turns out I actually WAS attached to that ring! Go figure. Maybe it's because that ring has been through SO much in the last five years. We've had a big move by ourselves, began trying for a baby, suffered through (well, still suffering through) infertility, a deep dark depression, un-employments, rough patches in our marriage that we didn't know if we would work through. We also had some very fun times. We laughed, bought a house, traveled, brought home some furbabies, etc. It's been a marriage for sure.

So when they took my ring away, I never even got to "say goodbye" to it! It was just whisked away. And surprise, surprise, I teared up. I had to turn away because I really was two seconds away from cancelling the whole transaction! In the end I didn't. I have a beautiful ring. K and I are calling it our fresh start ring. I think it already means something special to me. Like, maybe this is just re-cementing our relationship. I'm so lucky to have him as my husband. I cannot imagine my life without him. Every marriage has good and bad. It's when you know the good will always outweigh the bad

So here it is:

 

Notice anything? It's the same thing as my old set! haha. It's just much bigger! I'm in sparkle heaven.

So little to say

I know I have left blogging land again and I apologize. I have so little to write right now. AF started today and we are not going to cycle this month. Instead we will wait until late summer to try again. I'm completely fine with this.

We might change our vacation/no vacation plans yet again. This time an inexpensive road trip to visit my grandparents in Texas. I hope it works out. I really just need to get away. Seriously need to get out of the office for an extended period of time.

Other than that...honestly, nothing. I haven't read any books. I haven't crafted. I haven't done jack unless you count spending countless hours pinning shit to pinterest. It's been kind of nice actually.

Oh wait, I take something back...I did get some nice 5 year wedding anny bling for my hand!!! I have an entire post for this one. I'll post it soon!

National Infertility Awareness Week -NIAW

I'm a little late in getting over here to blog about NIAW this year. I've been busy spreading the word on the boards and on FB though. I guess that counts, right? :)

This is such an important week for me and for all of the men and women suffering from infertility. It's a week to spread awareness, to support, to advocate, to just be open about our struggle. There are so many people out there that have no idea what it is like to be in our shoes. That's ok. It's not their fault. I don't wish it on anyone. But I do hope that by seeing all of the updates and messages, they can find it in their hearts to offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen with.

One day I hope that K and I are fortunate enough to bring a baby home to love and care for. Until that day, I will continue to advocate for infertility. Below are some of the many facts and tidbits I have been and will be sharing on FB this week. They are combinations of past years statuses, sources such as RESOLVE and my own words. Please feel to take and tweak for your own use.

- Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. It's the pain of the unknown. This process happens month after month, year after year. It’s like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

- IVF was introduced in the US in 1981. Since then, more than 114,000 American babies have been born through IVF & ART. Not every person who uses a form of ART will have 6 or 8 babies at once. Jon & Kate and Octomom are examples of irresponsibility that paint infertility treatments in a negative light. The vast majority of those who undergo treatment are responsible in their decisions.

- Acknowledge infertility as a medical & emotional crisis with a wide variety of losses, disappointments, and 'costs': physical, financial, social, marital. Please don’t deny or minimize involuntary childlessness either by avoiding the topic or offering empty platitudes like "Just relax". It's ok if you say "I wish I knew what to say." Many times all we need is a sympathetic ear and a hug.

- Although ART is extremely helpful for some couples when conventional therapies fail, these procedures account for less than 5% of infertility services & represent only 0.003% of US healthcare costs. Only 15 states currently have some sort of mandated infertility treatment coverage.

-Your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the “wrong” thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support. For helpful tips for supporting a loved one experiencing infertility, please visit: http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

- This might be a good time to look at some infertility myths, and consider what infertility is not. Infertility is not limited to women. Infertility is not all in your head. Infertility is not limited to unhealthy people. Infertility is not limited to older couples. Infertility is not going to go away if you just “relax & go on vacation.” Adopting will also not take infertility away like Charlotte on Sex and the City.

- More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. I am one of them. Please take the time to learn more about the struggle those of us have to endure to have families.

- Many people lose their faith during this journey. Telling an infertile couple that it’s God’s plan is hurtful and upsetting. Basically you’re saying that God thinks crack heads and child abusers are more worthy to have a child than an infertile. Would you tell a cancer patient that it is God’s plan for them to be life-threateningly sick? Life is a series of events and circumstances that we can’t always control. But you can control your words. Infertiles deserve the same compassion, courtesy and empathy any other person dealing with a medical problem receives.

And my closing NIAW status:

Although today marks the end of National Infertility Awareness Week, I hope that the awareness continues throughout the year. Thank you for taking the time to read these statuses all week. Your support for people suffering from infertility does not go unnoticed. ♥

Look Again

Look Again by Lisa Scottoline

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


This was the first book that I have read by this author. I enjoyed her writing style and the pace she set in this book.

The story is about Ellie, a journalist, who has her world turned upside down by a seemingly innocent missing child postcard that is in her mail. The child on the postcard looks like an identical twin to her son Will. Her son was abandoned at a hospital as a baby and she was writing a story on the little baby with a heart problem. She subsequently fell in love with this child and knew that he was meant to be her son.

With his birth parents unknown, Ellie is unable to shake her mother's intuition and she sets out to find the truth for her own piece of mind. Along the way she runs into backstabbing co-workers, unexpected deaths, a love interest in her boss, shady characters and in the end, a truth she might not be prepared for.



View all my reviews

He laughs....

Yesterday K and I decided that we were going to cycle again immediately. I called my clinic and scheduled my baseline for this morning. Of course we know in Rachael-land things don’t always go off as hoped. My ovaries are still too enlarged (um, yeah touching each other large) and there are still large remnants left over (wonderful.) So…the plan when I left the doctor’s office was to start BCPs tonight and then start back up next cycle.

Along the long drive into work, I started thinking about how maybe this was a sign that we should actually wait a little longer. Yesterday I was a little hesitant to jump back in. Excited of course, but in the back of my mind I was really nervous for a multitude of reasons.

In my head I was ok with going forward because I thought “Hey, odds of getting knocked up have to be better because my body did really well this time around and if we cycled right away, it would still be on course.” Scientific or not, that’s what my mind was thinking. Well, I don’t have the choice in the matter now. So there goes my “theory” that I was using as a crutch to propel me full steam ahead into the next cycle.

K and I have a lot of summer plans that I would happily still do if I did get pregnant. But maybe I don’t want to worry about having “too” much fun and excitement. If you saw our concert schedule for the next few months, you’d die. We are going to 14 concerts in a little over 7 weeks time. That’s who we are and what we do in the summer. One thing you’ll never hear me complain about living in Wisconsin is the concerts. Anyway, I’m rambling a tad. Had I gotten pregnant this last time around, none of this would have mattered. But I didn’t. So it does.

SIL isn’t getting married in 2013 anymore, they pushed it back to 2014 to be able to save more money and still have a life during their engagement. With that being the case, I’m not in a rush to get pg so that I am not pregnant at their wedding. Again, it doesn’t ultimately matter if I were pg at their wedding. It would just be nice to not be. Also, if we wait until August to cycle I will still be on summer hours at work. That means I have Friday afternoons off. Of course I can’t predict when I will have a monitoring appt or when the IUI would fall but at least there is a chance I wouldn’t have to take time off of work. My vacation time at work is basically non-existent so what little time I have, I need to plan carefully.

Surprisingly, I’m ok and not sad by today’s appointment. I am relieved in a sense. I have at least a month to decide what to do. I think I need that time. Maybe I will want to go ahead and start again. Maybe I won’t. At least this is my choice. God knows us infertiles hardly ever get a choice in our journey. I might not have had one today but I will in a few weeks and that’s good enough for me. We can make plans…but God laughs when you do that.

And it begins again

Cycling that is. Yup...I'm going to back to back cycle. Didn't see that one coming but we are. I have my baseline tomorrow morning. I'm nervous and excited and hesitant. This is likely be our last shot for a while. FSA money and our own money will be depleted after this one. So...this is it. It better be it. It has to be it.

Nothing else worthy of typing I don't think. I'm so over the million pictures of babies flooding my facebook feed lately. I mean, it's taken over. I *get* that a lot of my in real life friends have reached the same point in their lives but the every single day multiple uploads are so overwhelming. I've tried to hide people and then realized that for some reason this isn't translating to my fb mobile version. So when I go on my phone to catch up, bam! zillion pictures of baby doing mundane crap.

That's pretty fucking harsh isn't? I mean, I know that everyone has the right to post whatever they want. It's not that I'm not happy for them. I am. I just am sad for me and I'm also just not that interested. Just like when you get married, you are the only one that is *that* excited about your wedding. Ok, maybe that's slightly untrue. Immediate family members are usually equally excited about weddings and babies.

But give an infertile a damn break. On Friday I was bombarded by my high school ex boyfriends announcement that his first child, a baby girl, had arrived. Today another high school friend had her third (yeah third, sigh). Another had twin girls (non-if and her second and third babies) three weeks ago. Yet another is due any day. Two other high school girlfriends had babies a month ago. All adorable. All I'm happy for. But DAMMIT I don't want to constantly be seeing it on fb. On top of that I'm hypocritical. There are a few other IF friends that I looooove looking at all the pictures they post. One in particular always manages to crack me up. Love her.

Yes, a fb break is probably needed in my immediate future. Except I love talking to family on it. I'm my own worst enemy I swear to god I am.

Yet Another Failed Cycle

Well, my gut was right. I am not pregnant. Again.

I did end up testing on Wednesday morning and it was a BFN so I pretty much lost almost any hope of it working. I got a lot of love and support from my IF friends. Of course it meant the world to me to hear all the kind words they had to say.

Friday before the beta even came back AF decided to show her ugly bitchy face. I finally got my results around 4 pm and I just left work early. I actually told my owner what a brief overview of what happened and it turns out her daughter struggled with IF for 4 years before conceiving with IVF. I really didn't want to have to confide in her but at least in the end, I know she understands (to a point) what is going on.

Anyway...I don't know really where we are headed right now. We won't be cycling again right now. I have realized that for my own sanity, I cannot do back to back cycles, even if we could afford it, for my own mental sanity. I'm not strong enough for that.

So that's that. Still infertile. Heartbroken all over again. IF fucking sucks.

Week of beta

So it's beta week. And I'm beyond terrified. Last week I think that I developed mild OHSS...or something. It felt like I was bloating and my ovaries were pushing down on my bladder or something...making me have the urge to pee every 15 minutes. I also had this really weird feeling, mainly as the day worn on. It was almost like that feeling you get when you are about to pee in your pants (oh shut up, you know that feeling) and it's that hurting tingling feeling. Anyway, I thought I had a UTI so I chugged the cranberry juice for a couple days. I called my doctor's office of course and they were not overly concerned with it. So I waited it out a couple days.

Now it's Monday and I have three full days between now and beta time. I'm dying. I tested out the trigger. I have lost that overly optimistic feeling. Call it whatever you want but I'm entering into self preservation mode. I have no desire to be out carrying on like normal. I know that it can sound unhealthy but I just don't feel like faking it. This cycle has been so different in terms of what we did and didn't do. For once I wasn't open with everyone about this cycle. Normally I tell everyone. I just knew that if this didn't work out I couldn't possibly deal with telling everyone the bad news time after time after time. So for that reason, the only ones who know are my blogger friends, my infertility community friends and my mom and in-laws.

In other news, my SIL asked me to be a co-Matron of Honor for her! That was the highlight of my Easter weekend. I was so shocked because all along I have known her BFF since forever would be the MOH. Needless to say, I'm super excited. It's looking like her wedding will be in March of 2013 and she would like me to do the floral arrangements! I'm already scouting ideas and am having so much fun being back in the wedding planning part of my brain. There are for sure times when I wish I was still doing that as a side gig. Maybe one day I will be able to again. Or not. I'm sure I'll be stressing out soon enough ;o)

So there's my mid-2ww update. I'm barely making it through. :::sigh::: 

It's a Good Day

The IUI went very good this morning. K's swimmers were really mobile and the sample was a great...size, lol. I have been crampy and nauseous on and off all day. My nerves have been getting to me obviously.

In other fantastic news, my SIL and BFF got engaged tonight! I am soooooooooo beyond happy for her and her FI. I've actually known him longer than anyone in our group/family. He and I started off college together and it's just a very fun and happy story that I will tell some day soon I'm sure. I am just so tired right now so I am going to go watch some DVRd programs and veg out.

Thanks again for all the love and support! xoxo

Triggered and Terrified

Well....things went better than expected at Tuesday's u/s. I had one follie at 17, one at 16 and one more that is a maybe for the IUI....which is in about 12 hours from now!! I triggered this morning and I am all set to go.

I am an absolute ball of anxiety. I don't know what I will do if things don't go as hoped. I really don't. I know I was trying to be chill with this cycle but apparently that has all decided to slap me in the face today. I'm so nervous. I've been shaky all day. I had one small bout of crocodile tears at my desk today. I am so afraid.

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really don't have anything else to write except that I am freaking out :o) wait :o(

Anyway, I know that I have a lot of love following me and this cycle and I thank you all for that. My fingers crossed that we "get pregnant" tomorrow. God I want this so bad.