Friday, July 31, 2009

I miss my mommy

My mom came up here on Wednesday night and left this morning. She came up to attend Waterfest since it was 60's night. While it was not my choice for a concert, I still enjoyed myself. And I really miss her already, and it sort of surprises me. You see, my mom and I have an interesting relationship. Growing up and through my engagement, it was definately hot and cold. Like ice cold and firery fights, lol. Once I got married and moved away, our relationship changed. Maybe I grew up, maybe I just learned to let certain things go, but it's different. i'm sure the fact that I only see her for a few hours at a time every month or two has something to do with it. But we email very frequently and talk on the phone as i'm not sure it has anything to do with the amount of time we converse.

Regardless, I miss her already. And it sucks. I wish I were home in Chicago. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye to family members so often. But I really don't see things changing soon. Not in this economy. K has a job, and I'm not about to rock the boat on that one. We'd be up shits creek without it.

Now I just have to figure out what I am going to do. I am going to take at least 2 classes this semester....where I haven't decided yet but I may just go home and take a semester full time back there and get a job serving...I dont know. I don't want to leave K. I hate this. I hate having to scramble to figure out how to survive. I only have to clear $800 a month. I'm hoping I can do that up here. That would be a lifesaver but I don't know if it's possible.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Summer Sisters

I finished Summer Sisters by Judy Blume just in time to take part of the discussions on the Nest Book club today. I am generally a fan of chick lit. I don't hold these types of books to super high standards, but I like them for the escape they give. This book was overall ok. It is about the unlikely pair of friends from New Mexico, Vix (Victoria) and Caitlin who every summer go to the Vineland back east to stay with Caitlin's dad and brother (and eventually stepfamily). Caitlin comes from money, Vix does not. both have their own set of homelife troubles. There are some wierd storylines in the book, including "the power" that the two girls discover with one another. I thought it was very wierd that two 12-13 yr olds were discovering themselves sexually with each other. Vix begins to flourish with the guidance Caitlin's step mom Abby gives her through the years. From high school, to boyfriends, to sex, to Harvard and beyond. Caitlin is a complete flake and spends the last half of the book globe trotting the world until she comes back and marries (and eventually abandons ) Vix's first love. Overall it was an ok book.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Read another!

Another one bites the dust :o) This time I enjoyed the book. Dewey: The Small Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron is the true story of a cat who lived in a small Iowa town called Spencer. He was found when he was a kitten in the drop box and was adopted by tthe library. Dewey had a way about him. Almost everyone he met, he touched them in some way. He was featured in numerous tv shows, documentaries, articles, etc. It's just a story about his life written by his "mom" at the library, sometimes about her life as well. It was an easy read, enjoyable and I would recommend it. I'm going to have to tell my grandma about it. She loves to read and I think that she would enjoy this book.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Friends that Move

Well today was kind of sucky. When we moved here, K started work and there was another guy the same age as us who started at the same time. He had moved from Ohio and we had come up form Chicago, so we were all new here. He had a girlfriend back home who was moving up that yr after the holidays (we all moved the last week of August 07). Well, in that time they got engaged, she moved here, they got married...we became close. The worked together and S and I became close in our unemployment woes, we hung out when we could, in essense, they were our only close friends up here. Well....two weeks ago they dropped the bomb that they were moving back home to Ohio in two and a half weeks :o( The last few months we haven't really seen each other as much, due to both them and us being out of town going home, having people up, etc. So tonight they came over with some of our other buddies and it just hit me that I really will miss them. I tried to kind of deny it would...but it really will. She's really the only person I have up here that I would hang out with. I had work friends, but they were just that, work friends. Now...I feel even more alone here. I wish that we had hung out more. I wish they weren't leaving. I wish I had more friends here. I'm feeling a bit woe is me. I hope that they are making the right decision in going back. K and I don't think this is really the right time for them to be quiting jobs they both like and make decent money at to go back to school and not be working, moving in with her parents. It is not my call in the end, I know this. But I wish the best for them and I really hope that by going back to school, they will not be taking one step forward, three steps back. Anyway, that's what I am complaining about today.

On the IF front, since I have had no AF since the D&C on June 3nd, I finally called the doctors office. I have started the progesterone to hopefully bring that around. Blech. Everything is so up in the air again with everything. We are ok to do another round of Clomid, I am assuming we will bump it up to 150 mg, since I did not ovulate at 50 or 100mg. Another expense I dont know how we will afford. I do not want to do an unmonitered cycle. I want to know that it is working and that we can finally use the friggin trigger shot. I'm so tired of it all.

On top of that, I met with an academic advisor, to become a teacher, if I go will take me about 3 yrs!!!! WTF?!? I had more school under my belt than that. I don't know what to do. It's like nothing counts at this university. I have no idea what to do here either.

And yeah....still unemployed. No interviews arranged other than a serving job. Woo hoo. How did I go from having two professional jobs in a row after college to this? Oh wait, the stupid economy. I want my job back. I want my disposable income back. I want my fertility back. I want my friends back. That's not too much to ask for right??

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I hate to say it

Ok, I know that I have been on the book binge...with no signs of stopping anytime soon. As per summer book challenge, one of the categories was IHO of the 4th of July, read a book about the revolutionary war or a significant event or time in this country's history. I ended up reading a book called Wake Up Call: The Politial Education of a 9/11.Widow by Kristen Breitweiser. I am having a hard time with the review of this book. To preface everything, I cannot, nor do I ever want to know how she feels. She lost her husband in the World.Trade.Center that day. I can tell she loved her husband. She loves her daughter. I know this. But I am having a hard time with the lack of sympathy for her I feel. I do feel sorry for what happened and what happened to her and her family. I really, really truely do. I cant comprehend the sorrow, the pain, the hurt she has and is continuing to suffer through.

Maybe it is in her mannerisms of writing. I dont know. I don't agree with all her politics, but I do not oppose them either. Her mission to make our national security safer is commendable. I think that she truely believes in everything that she does. However....I take issue with things she says or has done. I almost think I resent her a tad because, much to her decry that this isn't true, a sense of elitist in her. I get that sense of upper class, my way or the highway, smugness from her. I will be the first to admit I can be completely off base. It just seems to me that when there is something that she has been against or doesn't understand, it is no good. There is fault everywhere, in everything. That is what I see. Granted, she is a September eleventh widow. I'm sure any person who has gone through that might be the exact same way. I think that's why I find it hard to take her for what she wants to be taken. How do I know how much is true or not. I know she knows more than me in terms with our government's policies and faults that led up to that day and beyond.

In the beginning, when she talks about how her husband pursued her for yrs before she ever really took the time to care to notice him, that's where I first saw what bothers me about her. She couldn't be bothered with something outside of her world. She barely let her soulmate get near her. Luckily for her, it worked out for her. She makes reference to a specific lawsuit (she has always been a lawyer) about how a man can get awarded so much money for spilling coffee in their laps but she cant sue over her husbands murder. Her being a lawyer makes me really hate that comparison. I studied the case she is talking about. What she didn't mention is that the restaurant was really at fault for having the coffee seriously over the highest temp you can sell drinks at. That spill caused severe burns on a woman, in her most private areas. And the trial judge did lessen the amount awarded to this person. As a lawyer, she should know that. She wants us to believe her, to take her word for everything, but yet this small (insignificant to her plight in the book, I realize) detail makes me wonder what she chooses to disclose or leave out to better her platform.

She might be completely accurate in everything she found out. She really may be misunderstood by everyone, myself included, but I can't help but say I didn't enjoy the book. Everyone grieves in their own ways. I have no business telling someone how they should or shouldn't grieve and mourn their loved one. I found her actions in the years following his death almost disheartening, cold. At one point she has to go back to her New Jersey home after moving to New York to clean out the house they shared as a family. She didn't donate anything. She justified everything by saying that she didn't want anyone else to be using her husband's things. I get that to a degree. But she spent so much time building up what a great person he was. Which leads me to believe that he would have wanted her to show generosity to others by donating everything. By everything, I mean everything. She said she smashed tvs, furniture, china, clothing, absolutely everything. On top of the fact that she had basically made a point to show how much money they made, I found it to be disturbing. Many people could have been helped and shown the kindness by her that was given to her in her time of need. I think that is what bothers me.

In addition, she ended up campaigning for the Kerry run for president. She left her daughter behind...with who she doesn't say. But since she also spent sooooo much time stating that her daughter was her life, I just found it a bit harsh that she spent an extreme amount of time away from her daughter. Again, I know she was fighting for something that she believes in. I know she was fighting for change and for justice. But why not with her daughter? I think that is why some critics of her have said she seems disconnected. Because I think that does come across.

Now, all that said, am I missing the point of the book? Maybe? Are these things just as important? Maybe. I think that in order for me to fully support her cause and to believe that what she is doing is in the best interest of our country, I need to believe in her. I can't say that I do. I think she has very valid points. I think she has suffered enough. I wish her nothing but the best in the future with her family and being able to move on. I just can't say that I enjoyed reading about her.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Reading has become my life

I think that the only good thing about being unemployed is that I have had time to rad more. It's not that I didn't before, I just never made the time for it. Plus it looks bad to be reading at your desk ;o) I have always loved to read. When I am tired of looking at the computer screen after looking for a job, I pick up a book and read a few chapters. Ever since I was very young I have had my nose in a book. I am a fast reader. Like very fast. Annoyingly fast. I can easily read a few hundred page book in a day, but I think that part of my problem is that I don't put books down. I wish I could. I think it borders on a sickness. Once I am hooked, I'll read until it's finished. lol. Oh well. I guess there are much worse ways of spending my time.

So the book I finished today is titled "Between Sisters" by Kristin Hannah. The book is about the strained relationship between two sisters, Claire and Meghann. They are opposites, Claire living in the country, running a "resort" and Meg being a hugely successful Seattle divorce lawyer. After a near death experience, Meg is ordered to take some time off and relax. She ends up rushing to her sister's when she finds out that Claire is marrying some guy after only two weeks. As time goes by the sisters learn how to be sisters again. They both learn more about love and family than they every have. After the honeymoon, Claire is diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Meg takes charge and through her sister's fight she puts the past in the past and is able to finally accept family and love in.

Overall I liked the book. It was an easy read. At times I got a little frustrated with Meg because she just seemed to never let anything good happen to her. She always pushes everyone away.

I haven't decided what book will be next, either Chasing Harry Winston or a true story called Dewey the Library Cat. Haven't decided yet.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Yes, I am already bored being unemployed. There is a ton that I want to accomplish. I want to get the place cleaned up. OMG, it really needs a deep clean. I want to get a few books read, do some craft projects. I really need to get school under way. I think that is where I am heading. Back to school. Wow, I feel like I'm 18 again. Life is too short to be in a field you are not happy in. Advertising is not for me. Business is not for me. Teaching is, always has been, I just turned away due to some advice I never should have taken. But you live and learn. I'm still young. I still have time. So that's what I am going to do. Almost seems that my first days off looking for full time work was pointless. I have to at least get a part time job, there's no question about that. I just really have to see what our finances are going to be like by doing this. I am a bit nervous. We've always been able to buy things we want or go out to eat, go out for fun whenever we want. Now we will not be able to do that. In the long run, it's for the better. Right now though, it will suck. At least my student loans will be back in deferment. That I am looking forward too.

And to add insult on top of injury, I got my medical bills finally from the D&C. I think my previous insurance is such a joke. It did cover some, but we are still responsible for about another $1500. Yuck. We literally just paid off all my medical IF bills last month. Go figure. On top of that we have Shelby (our female kitten's) medical bills from her "adventures" last week. My head is spinning. It will all work out, I know that. We have family that I know we can turn to if the going gets really tough, I am very grateful for that. I'm just so fiercly independent, I would feel like a complete failure if I had to accept help. I just pray we get through this. I know K feels bad about some of the bills he brought to us. One day, they'll all be gone :o) I can't wait until that day!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

New Start

So I went back and I deleted all of my older posts. Nothing I wrote in there is what I really want to say, and even if it was, it probably wasn't how I wanted to say it. So....let's start over.

This will serve as a multi-purpose blog. IF, venting, Crafts, Books...everything. I just need some sort of outlet sometimes. And a record of things I've done.

On one of the boards I frequent, there is a Summer Book Challenge. There is a list of catagories that you can choose your own book to fill. So far I have three books done. Storm Warning: The Story of a Killer Tornado by Nancy Mathis, Just Breathe by Susan Wiggs and The Art of Racing in the rain by Garth Stein. I have to say that I enjoyed all of them.

I am a storm geek. I love sitting and watching a good storm. I have the movie Twister memorized by heart. So this book was all about the history of the weather bureaus and the big outbreaks over the last century, mainly leading up to the huge May 1999 outbreak in Oklahoma. I really enjoyed this book. I will probably see if there is another book out there that is similar.

Just Breathe was surprisingly good. Sort of falls into the chick lit, woman finding herself type of category but with a twist. It starts off with the main character Sarah married living in Chicago, undergoing IF treatments. After her IUI, she ends up trying to surprise her husband...but classically finds him with another woman. She decides that it's over, even though she nursed him back to health during his cancer bout, and picks up and flees to her hometown. There she finds that everything is the same, yet she now sees everything completely different. On her way to finding herself again, she finds out the IUI worked. With twins. At the same time she finds herself drawn to her high school crush again, and him with her. He has a teenage stepdaughter that he has raised since her mother split on them. It was mostly predictable, but I still thought it was enjoyable summer reading.

The Art of Racing in the Rain was a book I first heard about on the boards. It was fantastic. I cried like a baby at the conclusion. It is from the perspective of the family dog. Enzo takes you from when he was a puppy until he passes..and just maybe further. He sees the family through marriage, childbirth, death and through Denny's (his owner) quest to be a professional race car driver. I love, love, love this book and will have to add it to my permanent collection.

As for everything else, I am 45 days out from our D&C. No sign of AF. I also just lost my job last week. Yeah, perfect timing. I am not sure what I am going to be doing next. K's job gave him some good and hopefully interesting news, so we are thinking that we will be putting in another year here in Wisconsin. I am ok with that I think. I am planning on going back to school next month, changing professions in the end. I think that it might be tight for us to make this happen, but we are still planning on looking for a house, getting that 8 k tax break from the government. Hopefully we will find a way to still continue with the IF treatments. I think that we will be concentrating more along the lines out IUI or less. Depends on the $$ situation. Damn this economy.