Monday, February 22, 2010

Actually read a book


Since we know this weekend was a pity party for one all weekend, I laid in bed 80% of Saturday and started and finished a chick lit book. I just needed a mindless book to take my focus off of how shitty I was feeling. I picked the book "How I Stole Her Husband" by Liz Ireland. It wasn't bad. A slight cross between The Nanny Diaries and something I can't put my finger on. Slightly predictable and sterotypical characters but not terrible. I'd probably even re-read it since I tend to fly through these types of books. Here is the summary from Amazon:

Alison Bell, 28, is barely getting by as a temp in Dallas when she spots an ad for what just might be an ideal job for her: working as a nanny for a rich family, with a possible relocation to New York in the near future. But when Alison goes in for the interview, she is horrified to discover the rich woman she'd be working for is none other than her high-school rival, Pepper McClintock, who is now married to Spence Smith, Alison's high-school boyfriend, whom Pepper stole from her. Alison reluctantly takes the job at Pepper's insistence and finds it fraught with difficulties. Pepper and Spence's daughter is a nightmare and seems to despise Alison, and all of Alison's old feelings for Spence are reignited when she sees him again, causing her to overlook the sweet guy who is interested in her. An entertaining read, especially for twenty- and thirtysomethings who aren't where they thought they'd be, career- and romancewise.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

To Tara:

Thank you so much for nominating me. It has been one of the bright spots in a week that has been hell. I hate that we are on this long and twisted road they call IF. You have long been a supporter of me on the boards and I am grateful to have you as an ally in this fight. I wish you nothing but happiness and success on your journey, I'll be here to cheer you on!
HUGS!
~Rach

Tara said I'm a Beautiful Blogger!

Thank you Tara for nominating me!!!

The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:

- Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

- Copy the award and place it in your blog.

- Link the person who nominated you for this award.

- Tell us 7 interesting things about you.

- Nominate 7 bloggers

- Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

About me:

1. I have moved 17 times between my divorced parents moving around, striking out on my own, DH and moving out of state (and will possibly be happening again in the very near future)

2. I absolutely love cute little monkey items. Socks, stuffed animals (I have a stash for our phantom baby already) and love Curious George.

3. I decided that what I went to school for and got my degree in is not for me and am currently in the process of going back and starting over in a completely different field.

4. I was a first team All-American pitcher in college. We went to Nationals twice, finishing 2nd and 3rd. I was also the Illinois N4C Pitcher of the Year.

5. I looooove sports, baseball/softball being my favorite obviously. I grew up being a Bears & Cowboys fan, a Bulls fan (Duh, it was during the Bulls heyday), a HUGE Blackhawks fan and a White Sox fan. I married into a huge Cubbie family. I'm still holding on (weakly I might add) to this allegiance but it's getting harder.

6. I am a huge animal lover. We have two cats and a dog now. In the future I want a horse and a potbelly pig, who's name will be Hamlet (Hammy).

7. I am panic attack level afraid of snakes. I can't even see them on the tv. I cry, shriek, freak the F out when I see them. Why? I have no idea. I used to catch them when I was little. I think I'm repressing a memory of getting bit or something.

Nominations:

Well, I wont make it to 7....because more than half of those I read have already been nominated. So here are four that, from what I can tell, might not have been nominated.

1. Kristin
2. Kate
3. "Yodas"
4. "L"

Happy reading!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Shelby is in Surgery

I'm sorry I haven't posted the award blog yet. I will, I promise. Things have a way of screwing up your plans. The BFN has thrown me in a minor funk but more important (and serious) things have come up.

My little baby girl, Shelby, got something lodged in her small intestine and stomach. We are unsure of how long it has beent there but late Tuesday night she started throwing up. It continued all day yesterday, to the point it was just bile after bile piles. Poor girl. She also started hiding, which is completely uncharacteristic of her. She is my shadow and Always sleeps with me. So I knew that something was seriously wrong. I called the vet this morning and they were very concerned with the fact that she hasn't eaten in a few days and made an appointment for me this afternoon.

Needless to say, I am stressed out. Financially this is a big hit....like the estimate from the vet was over $1k. We have enough in savings to cover it...but that was our next IUI money :o( I just don't know what we are going to do about this next cycle. We are getting out taxes done in a few minutes so I am hoping that we get a better than anticipated return (HA!)

Sorry if I'm a bit sporadic posting in the days to come.

Monday, February 15, 2010

IUI=BFN

I know I had a different blog for tonight, but I am just not up to it today. This cycle was a big fat negative. Even though I have been poas for three days now and the result was the same, it's harder to have someone else confirm that your ute is still empty. On the upside, my progesterone level was fine. This just sucks.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The "Other" Challenge

Ok, I split today's entries into two posts because I feel they deserve tho be seperated. One is heavy, this is light :o)

My workdays are filled with IMing my "twinsie," my long lost roommate from Orlando. While we don't see one another ever, save for facebook pic uploads, we talk all the time. She's probably even reading this now... ;o)

Well, I mentioned to her that I think I need a food challenge. After being semi-inspired by the movie Julie & Julia and just a need to shake things up, I'm giving myself the task of trying at least one new recipe a week. Last week was taken care of with the potato skins and Jamaican jerk chicken nachos (which, yes, I need to make again and this time take pictures and post here) so I only have to add an extra 5 weeks to the remaining weeks in 2010. I am aiming for 50 new recipes in 2010. I think that this might even be too easy of a challenge because just going through the file folder of recipes I have yet to try and going through 2 books, I've already hit that total. Especially since some of those are sides and/or cupcakes & desserts. So what do you think? Should the rules be 50 new recipes? 50 new meals (so I can use a new side and main dish together)? 100 new recipes? I'm not sure.

Of course poor K is going to have more new chicken recipes than not. I could eat chicken at every meal for my main dish. I never eat steak. I eat pork chops maybe once a year if that. Ribs once or twice (but I'm willing to try some ribs recipes). I don't do shellfish due to a severe allergy and I am not a fan of fish other than fish sticks. And don't even think about tuna recipes. I hate tuna. I can't stand it. The smell alone makes me gag. Ugh, nasty, lol. Ground beef I do. So that's good. It'll be interesting to say the least. I plan on making a list of all the recipes I plan on making and once I have that completed, I'll post it.

Also....Tara from
Silverstarsandblueasphaltnominated me for a Beautiful Blogger Award, which tomorrow's blog entry will be dedicated to :o)

Challenges

Yesterday was an up and down day. K and I got into an argument over nothing (where to eat) and it led to us sitting down at a little pizza place waiting for our slices to be up, silently fuming and giving each other silent dagers. What happens next? REM's "Losing My Religion" came on overhead. Now the phrase "losing my religion" has a few different definitions and meanings. In the Southern United States the phrase means losing one's temper or civility or being at the end of one's rope. Michael Stipe from REM has said "Losing My Religion" is about "someone who pines for someone else. It's unrequited love." In context for yesterday's scene, it is the former definition and the literal meaning of losing my religion that holds true for me.

I blogged earlier in the week about losing my faith. Hearing the song brought tears to my eyes and thus ended our petty argument. He of course asked me what was wrong and I replied "everything." Like I mentioned, K has an analytical mind. Without proof, he is skeptical. His job is to work with math and science and design. We had a long conversation over some chicken parmesan (for me) and sausage/pepperoni (for him) pizza about the way I have been feeling spiritually. I really don't think that "everything" happens for a reason. There's no reason that infertility strikes good people, there's no reason that cancer strikes people who have never done anything wrong in their lives, there's no reason why innocent children are gunned down by drive by shootings. I don't believe that God purposefully chooses people to fight these battles just to build character. I told him that I have changed my thinking about Jesus and that I think he was a real person, much like Mother Theresa, and tried to do good during his life. However, I don't think that he rose from the dead. I think he was crucifed, so I have been battling thoughts of what do I do for Easter? What about Christmas? Easter for me will merely be a celebration of a person who did good in the world. Christmas will now be a celebration of family and doing good for others. I know it's not a popular opinion, but it's where I am in my life. I have lost my religious faith.

I do however believe in a higher being, a higher meaning in life. What that is, I will never know. I think that faith and religion do not mean the same thing. I think that's where many people will think I am being hypocritical. You can have faith and not be religious. I have faith that K and I will live a long and happy life together. This doesn't involve God. So while I am struggling with my new found loss in belief, I'm hanging in there. It's hard to go from believing in something your whole life and relying on it to get you through the toughest parts in your life to no having that crutch anymore. K said something profound, something that touched me. He said that instead of looking back and feeling like it was God or faith that got me through those bad times, maybe it was just me and my inner strength that truely got me through it. Maybe he's right.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

To J with Love

For those not in the know, POAS means Pee on a stick/peed on a stick. In other words, at home pregnancy test. And I have poas for two days now. Yesterday at 11dpiui and today at 12dpiui. Both were BFN - Big Fat Negatives. Yesterday I was still holding out hope that it was still very early and the test could be wrong. Today, not so much. I go in Monday morning for my beta (blood preg. test). I have no words. Yesterday I had what felt like pre-menstrual cramping. Of course it could be the progesterone suppositories, but it felt like pre-period cramps to me. Whatever. I am so beyond sad and pissed. My sister in law was very sweet yesterday. She has been working as a radiologist for the past few months and bringing in the big bucks (in fairness, she does still live at home, so that helps a TON) but she was asking how much each cycle costs and I told her that i just dont think we will be able to afford more than 2 more tries at this before we have to stop and save again. She offered to give us money for it! Can you believe that? Of course I told her I appreciated her offer more than she will ever know but I couldn't take her money. She is in the market for a new car (she's been driving the one the parents bought her yrs ago.) and she is hoping to move out with her boyfriend in the next few months. She should keep her money. But I will say that her offer meant so much to me. All she said was that she wanted us to be pregnant. I'm choked up typing this. I love her like she were my blood sister. That is what sisters do for each other. That is what family does. I feel so blessed to have my in-laws. From them, I finally have a sense of being someone's sister. On my facebook "about me" section one of the things I put on there after K and I got married was "K gave me the best wedding gift ever - he made my best friend my sister!" And it's so true.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Little Earthquakes

Sometime around 4 am there was an earthquake in northwestern Illinois, and the epicenter was about 5 miles from my Dad's house. When I called him up to ask him about it he told me it was like a crazy snow plow on a rampage. No damage or injuries are being reported which is good. It's just a little crazy for northern Illinois. Thinking back to my school days, I know that we are situated on an active, fairly large fault line, so I guess it's not out of the question for a big one to hit.

9dpiui and dying. My acupuncturist strongly suggested that I not test until Monday, or 13dpiui. I think she's nuts. There's no way I will last that long. Must poas soon.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Still not feeling it

I'm just not feeling pregnant. I know there are many people who would like to slap me because it is to early to be feeling symptoms, but I just dont have that "feeling." I hope that I am sorely mistaken. Last night I was just feeling down. Almost lethargic. After K came home with dinner, I went to lay down in bed and fell fast asleep. I slept from about 6:15 on, only getting up briefly at 8:30 and 10:10. I'm chaulking it up to barely getting sleep this weekend. But what a boring Monday.

This weekend can't come fast enough. Today is 8dpiui and I am about to go out of my mind waiting. We have an appointment to get our taxes done next Thursday so I'm hopeful that we will have enough to do another cycle if this and next cycle is unsuccessful. I'm thinking that if I still have no period and make it my beta on Tuesday I might just take the day off work. If it's positive, I dont think I can keep it a secret and even though they all know at work that I would be expecting news soon, I am still trying to figure out how I can keep it under wraps at the same time. If it's negative, well then we know that I'm just not going to want to see anybody, let alone be on the phones all day.

In less depressing news, we had some people over for Super Bowl and I out-did myself food wise. Not to pat myself on the back too much, but I tried some new recipes and they turned out fabulous. I made potato skins, Jamaican Jerk chicken nachos, bacon-wrapped brown sugar smokies, beer dip, a Tastefully Simple garlic garlic dip, cupcakes, and my grandma's homemade salsa. Pics and recipes to follow, promise.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Was that...??

Ahhh the infamous 2ww we infertiles endure. Hell on earth. Every minute pain we feel becomes an hour of over analyzing. I'm 6dpiui. Beta is scheduled for 2/16. I am pretty sure I will test at 11dpiui. The reason for doing so is that my mom and stepdad are going to Cabo for a week and next weekend we had volunteered to go to their place and cat sit for the first few days. My mom has 8 too many cats. Yes, she is the crazy cat lady. It's not the most sanitary place as she has special needs cats that have litter box issues. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, I've lived with it for many years now (they are all older cats, so the bladder problems are semi-to-be-expected) but if I should be pregnant....I mean, because I AM pregnant (See - I'm working on the staying positive part here) I can't be around that much litter. I definitly can't scoop the poop. No toxoplasmosis for me. I'm not taking any chances. As it is, K already has been scooping our boxes at home for months. So even though it may be waaaay to early to test to be accurate, I feel I have to for this reason. Of course, should it come out negative, that's not to say it's not a false negative (still trying to be positive here). So I'm in a little bit of a pickle here.

Back to the overanalyzing now. I have been on the progesterone suppositories now for a couple of days. They are so pleasant. Not. And wouldn't you know it, they cause pregnancy like symptoms. How's that for mindfvcks. I want to believe that the last few days of sharp twinges are due to implantation. They have to be right? Everyone around me has been saying that this is going to work. I am doing my best to believe them. I am still so very scared. Everynight I do my begging to God to grant this wish. Speaking of God....

This topic gets brought up from time to time on thebump: Has your religious view changed since you started battling IF? For the longest time, I thought it didn't. And then I woke up a few months ago and I realized it had. Somewhere along the lines certain things changed for me and I dont think that IF has really changed that in totality but maybe in part. I was born and raised a member of the United Church of Christ. I have always loved my church and denomination. I always believed in one God and in Jesus. When I met K, I found that his family is Catholic but the we never go to church but we say we're Catholic type. Which is fine. I am very open to all religions and beliefs. K and I have had our share of heated conversations about religion as a whole and about Jesus and God. He *wants* to believe in God, for the whole reason of "I hope that there is reason and purpose and in something greater than me" which I can respect. However he is an engineer. He also has a math degree. He's left brained, trained to be analytical and pragmatic. He needs evidence. Faith is not really enough for him to put his whole belief into. So, yeah, we've agreed to disagree...maybe until now.

I think that my main difference now is that I don't neccessarily believe all that we are taught in the Bible anymore. I don't think that everything is so cut and dry and everything is in the hands of God. I dont even know if I believe that certain things happened, like the resurrection. I think that Jesus existed. I think he was crucified. I think some of the stories did happen in the Book but maybe were exaggerated a bit. But I think he was in the end, a man who did great things during his life. I think there is a God, maybe more than one. There has to be a higher being because miracles do happen. But I have conceded that there is also a thing called science.

I dont think that there really always is a purpose for everything. What is the purpose of IF? Of miscarriage? Why do bad things happen to good people. That cliched everything happens for a reason doesn't cut it for me anymore. I get upset when I hear the people talk about how we are messing with God's intentions of who does and doesn't have kids. Well, for that matter, didn't God give us brains and intelligence to create solutions to problems we face? Wouldn't IF treatments fall into those categories?

What the actual truth is, I dont know. I don't even know what all I do believe it. I do know that who or whatever is looking over us, I sure hope that he or she is on my side. I'm still going to be praying every night. I am a good person, that much I know. I just hope that this week, we finally get our little miracle.

Monday, February 1, 2010

IUI Complete

Let the countdown begin!
This morning was the IUI. It wasn't terrible, but it took forever for them to find the right speculum. They tried 3 different types and omg is that uncomfortable. Not pleasant by any means. But K's swimmers are in there and not we just sit and wait.

I had some minor freakouts this past weekend about it working. We just cant afford these cycles for very long. Like, maybe one or two more before we would have to stop and save again. I'm so nervous about it. But I am really trying to stay positive and "will" it to happen. I am just so afraid of being devastated.