Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Reality Strikes

You know what's also finally starting to sink in?

That we have no baby yet.

I knew this would happen.

I walk past the bedroom that should be a nursery on my way to our bedroom. Instead that room will be the office and craft room. I hate that. I hate that I feel like I will never be able to save any sort of money to get us to our next step. Fuck, I'm unemployed and renovating, how the heck am I supposed to save?! I feel like crying right now. I really do. I am so lost in bitterness all of the sudden.

I really think I hate my stepfamily for all the right and wrong reasons. I can't stand the fact that Eran is pregnant and I'm not. I make more on unemployment than she does at her part time job grooming dogs at Petsmart. Money's not everything, not by a long shot, but my point is that we are prepared. We are prepared for me to stop working to stay home (I still want a semi part time job some nights just so I can have some time away from the house). We are prepared to not have to rely on our parents to always be watching our child. If we still lived in Chicago I'm sure I'd be having people fight over our baby but it would be different because I wasn't desperately needing someone to watch my kid.

What can I do? I even uttered the words to DH that we should have just pocketed the money from the sale of our boat and put it towards IF. I know that wouldn't have flown with him (or me) or my mom in the long run. See the boat we sold was originally my mom's. She bought it brand new back in '94 and even when times got tough, she kept it. She might have hardly used it but that's why she gave it to us for free, so it could get used. I would have felt absolutely terrible if we would have just pocketed the money. We always could sell the boat we basically traded for. We got a great deal on it, under book value by a lot, but I don't know if I'd feel ok just selling it for IF treatment. It's an activity that K and I love to do together. If we had no money to our name, then yeah we'd sell it but since that isn't the case, we'll keep it for now.

Anyway...I really don't know what to do. I could schedule my ovary drilling surgery while I technically have the "time off" but I really don't want to add more medical bills right now. Our insurance sucks big balls. For my D&C, which, by the way, was a year ago this month, we still had to pay $1500 out of pocket. I know it could have been worse but honestly, is there much worse than having to shell out that kind of money to bring home an empty uterus when it should have been nesting a baby?

God damn. I'm no closer to a baby now than I was when we got married. As of 6 days from now, it will be 3 yrs since we said to hell with preventing, bring on the baby. Honeymoon baby my ass. By the time we have $ saved up and are pregnant, I highly doubt it will be before a year from now. I don't even know what step to take next. K seems to have backtracked from being interested in learning more about adoption. Do I save enough money for 3-4 more IUIs or do we say screw this, the first 3 didn't work, lets go to IVF? How much do I even have to save for that? How much weight do I have to lose to put myself in a better success rate category for IVF?

Head.is.spinning.

Breath.

God I hate fucking infertility.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Summer is Here!!!!

This is my favorite time of the year. I am a summer baby, my bday is in August so I feel naturally excited when the weather starts heating up. I love all things summer. The hot, the humidity, the boats, the pools, eating fruit everyday. What better way to celebrate the coming of summer than to have my SIL and her bf,A, up for the weekend. A lost his dad to cancer when he was younger so being that it was Father's Day weekend, it was good for him to be able to get away. My dad actually went down to San Antonio to visit his dad. My ILs were working on their bathroom and my mom is fighting with my step-dad at the moment so we actually had a "parents" day that we didn't have to run to 15 gazillion houses for. Felt pretty nice.

Anyway....we bbq'd every day, had dueling bonfires, made a billion s'mores (mmmmmmm, so much for the shredding this weekend, LOL). All was wonderful. We had friends over on Saturday and we got to show off all we have done to the house so far. It felt good.

Last night was freaky creepy though. We were setting off fireworks after dark for some fun, had the fire going in the firepit they bought us for a housewarming, drinking some beer...and it got scary.

I was about to walk in the sliding doors from the deck to the kitchen when I hear J going "get inside, get inside," K was barreling towards me headed into our bedroom, A was stuck like a statue by the patio. It was some guy with a white mask clanging two knives together, in the sharpening method. As soon as A yelled "K get your gun" the guy took off his mask and revealed a 15ish yr old boy who stammered, "I'm sorry, it was just a joke."

Yeah.

Some joke.

Had he not ran away as quickly as he appeared, and K had time to get his guy, he would have been shot. The kid came from the far end of the detached garage. We have a lot of land on that side and we were more towards the other side of the house so it was a blind spot. The side we were on is well lit, as is the backyard. Needless to say, we are going to be installing motion sensors on the one edge of that garage that will illuminate the blind spots.

On top of that, as K was calling the sheriff's dept (who actually got there fairly quickly for a non-emergency call, considering we are in the country technically), I took a walk to the bar that's on the far back end of our property. I asked the bartender if he happened to see anyone running away a few minutes before (the kid ran the way of the bar) and he goes "They got you too?? I've been trying to nab those shitheads." Apparently they sometimes just open the door and yell inside or run in one door screaming and run out the other side. Immature asshats.

Happy Halloween.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I am Shredding

So after being completely fed up with the way I look in a dress...or pretty much any clothing item at the moment...I started a thread on the IF board about how I will lose 40 lbs by October. My mom wants to do Disney for her birthday so this is my goal. I'm doing it. Some other girls also are fed up and joined me in the weight loss quest. I even made a secret fb group for us to hold each other accountable. That's what I need the most. So today I started the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and it has for sure kicked my ass. And I thought my fat ass would breeze through level one. Easy Peasy. Riiiiiiiight.

So that's the hard working part of me right now. I have J and her boyfriend coming up this weekend. I have a lot to get done in that time. A lot. I have to say though, this place is really starting to feel like home. I mean, we OWN this! It's ours. Ours, ours, ours. That feels awesome.

I have been applying for jobs and got my first bite today. I had a call from a propective employer wanting to set up a phone interview. That will be tomorrow afternoon at 2. I'm a bit nervous but I think that I really do well on phone interviews. I'm pretty sure this one is located in the town we moved to so that would be awesomesauce. Not going to get ahead of myself though. First things first.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Hawks Win!!

Sorry...Just had to do a drive by to blog that the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup!!! Woooo Hoooooooo!!!!!!

Dress Shopping

I spent the last few hours out trying to find a dress that I can wear to the three weddings I still have this summer. I found one that was nice, it was on the 50% off rack and I thought "Bonus!" but I still wasn't sure about it because it was primarily black with some dark blue vertical stripes. It was glittery and flowy, so that I liked but I was really hoping for a dress that was bright and fun this year. I was going to buy it just in case I didn't find anything else but turns out it was on the wrong rack and was still full price. Dangit. So back to square one. I don't really want anything with sleeves since it's summer but I also hate, hate hate my arms right now. They're so pudgy. I feel so gross. I really have to do something about my weight. The committment is what I am lacking right now. I want to feel good in what I wear. I miss the old Rachael that could pull off anything...and I did. I am not one for surgical measures, nor am I big enough to be a candidate.

So now I am trying to get motivated to lose the pudge. I think that since my mom wants to do Disney for her 55th birthday in October that could be my target date to have some pounds lost. So if I say that I want to be 40 pounds lighter by then....yikes...I need to be held accountable. That's 16 weeks to lose it. 2.5 lbs a week. Can I do it??? I'm sure as hell going to try. I am not the fat girl anymore dammit.

Monday, June 7, 2010

We're still here

We have been in the house for a week now! We somehow managed to get all of our crap out of the apartment and into the house. Not a small feat by the way. Seriously, how much shit do we have?! It was insane how much crap we had. Let me assure you, we are not pack rats. We aren't. I'm 99% sure of that. It wasn't like stuff was spewing out of every orface...but where the heck did it come from???? I really want to know the answer to that question.

We are slowly but surely making progress here. It is starting to feel like home. Except with boxes and bags and garbage everywhere. The frontroom is the nicest of the rooms by far. Yes we have our old couches in there. Lord knows I can't afford the new ones. They are still on order...I might just keep them on order for another month or two...just in case ;o) After looking at the coffee table and end tables....I'm slightly embarassed. They are so scratched and olf fashioned. They are perfect basement fun room pieces...just not upstairs, in public ones. I am going to get some fabric and make a custom tablecloth cover for the coffee table. It would at least make me feel a little better.

Okay, this paragraph is totally not related but before I forget it, i have to write about it. I have the tv on in the background and there was a Huggies diaper commercial for these limited edition jean's looking diapers. Some of the lines "You'll look like #1 while going #2; You'll be cool pooing in blue; The coolest you'll look while pooping in your pants." Omg I'm dying right now. So stupid and crass but that's friggin hilarious. I do have a raunchy sense of humor though...

Okay back to the topic at hand...my crazy life.

We have found three major things that the home inspector should have found. 1) the lines for the air conditioner are plugged or have leaks and so we can't use the a/c until that gets fixed otherwise the water leaks through the ceiling. 2) The bathroom subfloor was rotted through, and thatwas able to be seen from the basement looking up and he missed it. 3) Most importantly, in the area that supports the kitchen, the load bearing wall isn't really holding up. The floor joists are pulling away from the wall. The dumbasses only had some nails holding the boards together. It's bad. So tonight we are going to be erecting a support wall to help hold the load. It should be fine once we do that but I'm just waiting for the floor to cave in. Sounds like fun huh? I'm not sure what repercussions we have with the inspection company. If everything wasn't in boxes I could look up their information and warranty...on top of that, we were never offered a home warrenty at closing. We should have been offered it. I'm not sure why we weren't so that's another thing that I have to look into. I'm not sure if it's because this was a foreclosure? Maybe you can't take a policy on a foreclosed home, idk. Either way, I need to find out.

There are some more funny (well, looking back on it) stories from moving that I will have to tell but right now....I gots to get going again. Maybe now I will be able to update more frequently. (sorry for any typos...I'm not proofing :o) )