Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I just want a baby

Is that really too much to ask for?

I mean seriously.

FB ads totally just asked "Did you know the single most important factor in getting pregnant is determining whether you’re ovulating each month?"

Fuck you very much.

That's why I'm not pregnant dipshit fb.

I am so far removed from cycling right now. I want to be. I don't even spend that much time on the boards right now because I don't feel like I have much to offer anyone. Sure I am more than happy to say a little congrats here and there (and I do mean it) and of course I am always here to cry on my shoulder but other than that, I feel like I have nothing to give. I can only say I'm on a break so many times. I feel like I don't belong. Irrational yes but true.

Every day that goes by I feel I am further and further away from having a baby.

Why the hell does life have to be so unfair?

Monday, August 30, 2010

Nothingness (but with pictures!!!)

This weekend was a lot of fun. We had J & A up for the weekend and on Saturday we spent the day boating with them as well as my friend Kira. Tubing and swimming always makes for a great day in my book. After that we bbq'd and drank for hours around the fire pit. I made so many jello shots and a few new dips (see food blog shortly for recipes!) - no one went without food or drink that's for sure!

This weekend also marked the 5 yr anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. All day yesterday I kept thinking about those that I met last month as well as M and her family in New Orleans. I can't believe that it has been so long already and there is still so much more left to rebuild. Please keep those people in your thoughts and prayers.

I still have not heard from my dad. As time is going by, it's becoming easier to see that we just are going our seperate ways. It's ok. I think that I am doing fairly well with it now. Like I stated before, I know I did my part to put my best foot forward, make an effort and extend the olive branch. It's not up to me to take it. C'est la vie.

Now I have another week to get a bunch more done around the house before my MIL & FIL arrive. I would really love to get the 2nd bedroom at least partially done this week. I know I sound like a broken record but man, once that gets done...phew!!! The amount of things that are waiting to be put away in that room is staggering. That's my craft room, the office, the guitar room. In other words, the most packed room.

And some pics the weekend to round things off:




Thursday, August 19, 2010

Happy Birthday to me!

I'm such an attention whore. I don't even try to hide it ;o)

I am another year older. I can only hope another year wiser.

This year has been trying to say the least. Here's to hoping this year is less turbulent!

May this year finally bring us our baby - and hopefully before K hits 30....he only has 15 months left. Yikes. (it's totally making me feel better to know he will hit 30 before me. I'm such a sweet wife, huh? HAHA)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Stuck

I feel like I am stuck in so many areas of my life lately. Career, baby, family, diet. There's still nothing new and exciting to report on the job front. Seeing as though that is stalled, that pushes baby even further out of reach. I started to let myself feel the sadness of that this weekend and it really sucked. I mean, duh. Of course it is going to be Rachael. I've been down this road before. I've done a good job of putting a wall up since we had the last failed IUI. I haven't felt the lost time emotionally in a way. It started to sink in but I was quick to distract myself with the trip. Now that I am going to have to see Eran this weekend, I am dreading every passing day. I do not want to see her so close to her due date. I feel like I am almost locked in a state of panic about this.

I am scared about not knowing when we will be cycling again. I'm scared to even have to think about saving the money in order to do that. I don't understand why some people have such misfortune trying to have a child.

I really need something good to happen soon. I just want to be working. I want to be able to continue to dump money into our house. I want to be able to travel somewhere to just get away and relax. Please God, cut me a little slack here.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Bad

I can't really break down all the stupid little things that drove my mom, me and a couple other group members crazy but I'll try to paint the picture for you. Our group "leader" prided herself on her organizational skills yet had no sense of order at all. She didn't want us to go out after our day of work to explore the coast. She made those of us who went to the soup kitchen for part of the week feel like we were doing something less important. The house that was assigned to us was nearly completed. The first day we were there, I swear we all sat around on "break" more often than not. Anyone can sit on the floor all day and paint baseboard trim. I know, I did it on our house. I'm not saying that isn't important but it's highly annoying when you are all meeting back at night and the bragging that went on about how so and so did such a wonderful job painting one room...and it took her all day...etc. Give me a break.

The other bad is just the feeling of not being able to do enough for the people down there. When I was in hte food pantry giving out bundles of food, the shelves were bare almost. They had even gotten their monthly shipment in the day before. It was beyond sad not having enough food to put into their bags to last them a month. I doubt that food will even last a week to be honest. Then we were trying to fill a school supply order for someone who came in with a 4th, 5th and 6th grader. I bet you we didn't even have enough to get them half of the supplies they needed. Oh how I wish I could send some supplies down right now. I feel terrible that I can't. I have no money. We're broke as a joke right now ourselves. The $40 that we might spend on that is $40 we need to pay a bill. How sad. I feel like such a failure.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Good

It's very weird to say (for me) that I absolutely loved Mississippi. I can't say enough how much I enjoyed the their Gulf Coast. For me the most rewarding part of my trip was working in the soup kitchen Tuesday-Thursday. Even though we had Chef McCrabby Patties on Tuesday, by the end of our time there, I think he really enjoyed having us around. We made so many friends there. It was extremely humbling to serve trays and have everyone asking how we were doing today. My day is wonderful compared to their day but they still asked because they really did care.

The other volunteers Katrina and Brenda, are, quite simply, awesome people. Katrina went to Dallas to visit her sister two weeks before Hurricane Katrina hit and she wasn't able to get back until December of 2005. 28 days after the storm hit she had a stroke from the stress of the situation. She is slowly but surely working on getting full mobility back into her right side. She was just accepted into a 3 week program at the University of Alabama so I pray that she is able to finally fully recover.

She shared many stories about the storm with us. I think that many of the people down there were looking to tell as many stories as they could. Especially with the 5 year anniversary approaching at the end of this month. People have forgotten about Mississippi. When the topic turned to New Orleans Katrina said " Ya'll New Orleans didn't get no hurricane. They got levees that failed. WE got the hurricane." She's right you know. NOLA got the publicity and I don't mean any disrespect to that city and the people that suffered there but MS was devastated as well. What's sad is that they are still years away from full recovery but people think that they are back to normal.

She told us about  her friend who had 4 children and when the storm hit, she told the rescuers to save her children first. She drowned in the water saving her kids. I couldn't even imagine.

On Wednesday we went to First Missionary Baptist for their service and after my mom, grandma and I got to talking with one member and he was telling us that everyone in town knows the organization that we came down with, Back Bay Mission. He said that if it wasn't for BBM, nothing would be rebuilt right now. Everywhere we went, people told us that it was because of the volunteers that Biloxi is back to where it's at. We got some amazing stats from the coordinators at our wrap-up meeting on Friday. With our group finishing up the house we were working on, it brought the total of rebuilt houses to 174. 75,000 volunteers have come through BBM, equalling 281,719 volunteer hours & $5 million + in saved labor costs. Amazing isn't it?

What else was good....spending a lot of time with my mom and grandma. I haven't been able to spend that much time with either of them in over 3 years. I enjoyed every minute of it. I was crying when I had to say goodbye. She and I hit the beach whenever we could in our downtime. We went to the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino...and we did throw $5 in the slots. We walked away with $10, LOL. Big winners right?

So that's part of the good. I'm sure I'll have more good things to write about in the posts to come.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Crabby Pants all around

**I just realized that this never posted and only saved as a draft. I must have gotten distracted or something but I'll post it even though it will be slightly out of order. I think you are all smart enough to figure it out**

I just re-read my post from the other night. I was definitely in a pissy mood. Without a doubt. I hadnt slept at all since Thursday night so I was on 48 hrs of being awake. It was a long trip and some stupid rules capped off my day.

I don't know if I can say that I wish that I didn't come on the trip anymore. The stupid micromanaging of our group leader has gotten on every one of my last nerves. It's stupid, our free time should be our time to do what we want and yet since my mom, this one guy and I like to actually go out and see the town we're staying in, they think that we are just out partying. No, we went to the beach both days. Not a big deal. It's literally down the street. It's hot out, the water is nice...you better believe that I am going to go swimming.

Yesterday was day one of our work. Our group got assigned to this house that is nearing completion. There really wasn't enough work for the 12 of us to keep busy with for the whole week. Because of that I have signed up for the soup kitchen and food pantry for the rest of the week. I feel like this might be the better option to feel like I am actually making a difference.

Today was my first day at the soup kitchen and I really was happy to be there. We met some characters to say the least. The first other (and only other true) volunteer was a woman who had limited mobility in her right side. She introduced herself...her name is Katrina. We gave her the side eye and she burst out laughing saying "Child, ain't no joke. That's my name." She was very helpful in our first day there. We needed someone to be. There was a cook there that I have dubbed Chef McCrabby Patties. He was less than patient you could say. My mom, grandma and I were the only ones there that we there to help other than Katrina and this other lady, who I think is more like a sous chef/coordinator. There was a main woman at the desk but during most of it she really didn't do anything other than to tell us to speed things up even though the food wasn't ready for us to dish up.

We also met a woman while we were on our 15 min break inbetween breakfast and lunch and went to sit down at the eating tables. She started spilling her story to us. She has lymphoma (sp) cancer and she's been sleeping outside on the concrete. Come Thursday she said that she might be getting a housing unit through the hospital. She also had a run in last night with another fellow homeless person and she ended up calling the cops because he was trying to kill her (well.....according to her.) However she said that she is taking control of her life and was going to make it a better life.

Mission Complete!

I am HOME! I have so many things I want to say about the week. I have a feeling that this will get quite long. I think that I am going to do seperate posts for the good, the bad, the pictures and everything in between. My journey home was more eventful than the one down. We first woke up early to pack, clean up a bit more and to say good bye to our Wisconsin friends. Well....for me it's not really goodbye since they are all 20 minutes from me. How crazy is it that I go all the way down to the deep south just to bunk with my fellow WIers...and not even just fellow WIers, super close to me ones. Oh well, it was meant to be I suppose. After they left we wrapped up the loose ends and packed our vans up.

The PITA (going forward this is the abbreviation I will use for those that gave us problems all week) group decided that along the way back to New Orleans we were going to stop at the NASA Stennert location. Great and all...IF you call ahead to get the tour times and such so you can plan accordingly. But that's how the entire week with them went, they planned nothing, did nothing yet acted as though the trip being a success was due to them.

Anyway so after we left there we decided that we should find some food but not a chain. We got some recommendations from the Louisiana welcome center and we chose the Bayou Country Store and Restaurant (I think that's the real name) in Slidell. Picture a cracker barrell but cajun/bayou style. It isn't a full menu, mainly soups, gumbo, jambalaya, wraps, salads and sandwiches but omg is it fantastic. I had this bacon turkey wrap. It came with some tortilla chips and this Mardi Gras dip. Holy Yum!!! They sold the seasonings to make the dip so my mom picked it up. They do have a website and will ship so I foresee me placing an order in the not too distant future. I am so glad we chose that place to eat. I picked up a few remaining things to bring home and we all headed out.

We were running a little late to the airport and my flight was scheduled to board before theirs was. I flew out on Delta, they were on Southwest. When we got to the car rental return I said my goodbyes and I boarded the shuttle. I was so sad to leave my mom and grandma. I wondered how a week away with my mom would go and we had a blast together. When it comes to knowing how to enjoy life, we do that great together on "vacation." I am still sad that we had to say goodbye yet again.

I had checked in the day before online so all I had to do was drop my baggage and I got through secutrity only to find out that my flight got cancelled right after I left the ticket counter! I was supposed to connect in Memphis before flying into Milwaukee. I couldn't believe it. I had a few options from the airlines. I could stay overnight in NOLA and fly into WI in the morning or I could fly into MLW through Atlanta later or I could fly into Chicago late. My mom offered to drive me back up if I had to take that option but in the end I figured that I would just suck it up, fly into Atlanta and get home super late. We got delayed in Atlanta due to the plane being out in the sun all day and then once we boarded there was an issue with these two people sitting in an exit row that didn't speak a lick of English. The flight attendant had already asked if the girl next to me and I would mind moving to the exit row and so there we were...standing up in the aisle while this huge commotion was going on. So embarrassing. I understand that to the older couple that were being asked to move and their son and his family (I saw them boarding with a bunch of Disney stuff so I assume it was a big family trip down to WDW) it was because they looked middle eastern and I'm sure they thought it was racial profiling. The poor flight attendants kept trying in vain to explain that if you can't speak or understand English you cannot sit in an exit row for the simple reason of it being vital that you can understand flight attendants's instructions if need be. I was mortified just standing in the aisle with the whole plane watching what was going on.

The good part about that was that I made friends with that girl next to me and it ended up being the same row as this guy from my area who I had a conversation with during our delay at the gate. It had been a long day for him too because he had gotten delayed in Alabama and then missed his connection and so by this time, he was just as tired. The I looked in front of me and there was a guy on my flight was from my original scheduled flight from NOLA to Memphis to MLW. So we all had a drink in the air together and just laughed the entire time. We were being those slaphappy flyers quoting movies left and right.

We finally got in and I got my baggage almost at midnight and then the drive back up home took us about an hour and 15 because it was very foggy. So I rolled into my bed near 3 am. I'm so tired! I'll try to write another post today or maybe I'll post some more pictures.