Tuesday, January 25, 2011

This too shall pass

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it" or "it will pass" or "it could be worse" - all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then & only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."

Some things went down on the boards today and I'm really not sure what to make of it in the end. I am taking a break from bump boards. I am not sure for how long, it may only be a few days or it may be a few months. That is undetermined.

I am hurt that someone would think I am capable of being horribly mean on a public forum to someone I have spent the last year being a friend too. I am hurt that I was told this weekend that I abandoned this someone when she got pregnant. I am the one who sent a Christmas card, I am the one who kept up with your blog and made sure to text her when I saw that something was amiss. Whatever part you think I played in this whole situation is your cross to bear. I figured out who did it. I got played just as you have been. But that's your situation to have to figure out. Continue blaming me and feeling like I am the one who wronged you. Continue to judge me. I don't really care. I learned the very hard way this weekend that I am very gullible and too trusting of people. I got roped into a perfectly laid trap. It was cold and manipulative. That's my cross to bear.

I was 100% honest with you today. Whether you choose to believe me, that's your choice. Either way, there is the simple fact that I now know you think so low of me that you think I could do that to you. There's no erasing that. I can look myself in the mirror square in the eye and know that no matter how low I am or how bitter I may be about life in general, I could never create the drama that you accused me of today.

I will get better though. Unfortunately it will have to be without you cheering me on. I have my first therapy session tomorrow afternoon. I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want to be able to feel like I am not going to break at any given moment. I was so upset today that I was shaking for hours. I cried that horribly ugly cry, lamenting that "I didn't do it" to no one but my dog and cats. I learned that even though I am broken, I am not unfixable. I am still a good person. I'm ok with not being on this journey with you anymore. The other details of what we ever discussed will forever be locked away in my memory and will not be shared, as I have nothing to gain. I no longer wish to dwell on our past together. I'm moving on with everything in my life. I wish you health, wealth and happiness in your life. May your family finally be complete and you can begin to heal the hurt you have inside. For the days that you were there for me to be a sounding board, I thank you. I am not so disingenuous that I cannot voice that. Goodbye and thank you for being a friend when I needed it.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Cat's out of the bag

You know how once you let the cat out of the bag, it's impossible to out it back in? That's sort of how I feel right now. I sometimes feel like being like "oh, oops - Just Kiiiiidding guys." I know how I felt on Saturday was real and it was disturbing and that's not the first time I've felt like that, just the first time I've ever really said anything on here about it. Today I'm not in that crazy emotional phase but I wonder if I am so used to pushing things from my mind? Am I that great at suppressing it? I really don't know. I'm good at faking it. I can act normal. You know how they say there are functioning alcoholics? I feel like that's a good way to describe myself. I can function on the superficial level. When it comes down to it, how much of the rest of my life is being affected by my depression and guilt and unresolved past?

It doesn't help when I feel like I can't share this with certain family members because that will involve having to admit to the abortion. And then when I have to explain how infertility plays into that, I don't think I can stomach hearing the "oh I told you that you should just relax and that it will happen and that God has a plan and just pray on it." Well meaning but horrible, horrible things to say. I'd rather you say nothing. Just say that you don't know what I am going through and you can't imagine the pain I am in. That's it. On the same wavelength, don't get mad at me when I'm not acting the way you want me to. You can't control how I feel or how I act. A lot of this has nothing to do with what may be going on with you so don't make it all about you. Let me fix me. Until then, I'm not going to be the relative or friend you need or want.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The day after

I am still here. I appreciate all the comments/texts/messages. I'll get through it. Of course the day after I feel like I'm in a haze. Some things don't make sense at all. And to top it off, the Bears lost today. Dummies. I'm not sure where to go from here but I know I have people that want to help. I'm calling my insurance company tomorrow to find a doctor I make an appointment with. Much love to those of you that have reached out.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Book Review - Cracked Up To Be

I really enjoyed this book. So much so that I got it at 4 pm today and by 10 pm it was done. Yup. This is a YA book that handles more mature content. I enjoyed the dark and twisted commentary and emotions of the book. Parker is on a self destructing path and vows to become the loner she thinks she wants and deserves to be. I think I was slightly disappointed in the ending. Maybe I shouldn't be though. There was a big build to Parker's breaking point but it still feels unresolved, which of course is how Parker remains but I still wanted more. I'm far from the sophisticated literary critic though ;o) I loved the characters in this book and really wanted more. I don't think there really is any follow up book to be written for this book unless she wants to turn this into a Jessica Darling series...highly unlikely but I wouldn't complain one bit. If you're looking for a short, good read, this would be a good choice.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Slight change in plans

I ended up getting a second interview with the company from Thursday! That will be this Tuesday morning. So...Chicago will be delayed for a few days. AF still isn't here so I'm going to need the extra days anyway. My mom was *thrilled* lol. Oh well, if I was working a normal job I wouldn't have been able to come anyway. I do feel slighty bad but I have been warning her this could happen for weeks now.

I also got a call from the recruiter that got me the job of doom last month and they have a job with K's company that they are putting me up for again. K says I don't want this position, lol. It pays well so I guess we will just have to wait and see.

So, if I have tentative plans with you, don't worry, I'm still going to try to make it down.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Where the heck is AF?

Where the hell is that nasty beotch? Have you seen her? If you have her, please send her to me. Kthxbai. I need to have AF show, like tomorrow, so I can get in for my baseline before I leave. I have been super hungry for days, I've been sleeping more than normal and now I am finally getting some small cramps. I want to get this show on the dang road already!!! Chop chop - Time is running out for a 2011 baby.

Wait whaaaa???! Yeah, do the math...there are not many more weeks left to ensure that I will have a 2011 baby. It's barely past New Years and I'm already thinking about next year. WTF. Oh infertility brain you slay me. I need to take my mind off of things baby related. Well, to be fair, I have not gone on BRU or baby product site in forever. It makes me too sad. I remember when we first started trying the theme of the season that Fisher Price had out at the time. I loved it. Then panic struck when they were changing it out. And then I got attached to that one...and then they changed it. Rinse lather repeat. It makes me sad to even think about that. When is our turn? When do we get to bring home baby? Will I even be able to enjoy pregnancy?

Changing tunes...I have another interview tomorrow - well today since it's past midnight. I really want this job. It pays better than the one I have tentatively accepted. It's not as short a commute as the low paying job but it's still fairly close. I can take back roads pretty mush all the way there so that's a huge plus.

I really am slightly disappointed in how unmotivated I feel right now. I have all these "plans" in my head for all the crafts I want to craft and books I want to read. I have a craft room that needs to be finished painted. I don't know why I am just being so lazy the last few weeks and not getting anything done. I just don't know. A personal slump perhaps? I spend hours a day doing mindless crap but when it comes to being creative or productive around the house? Not so much. And now that I have a slight fire under my ass...I'm going to have no time to do anything. No one's fault but my own unfortunately. It's so much funner (lol) to blame others for taking up your time. I have next week to read and crochet but I'll be gone therefore nothing will get done at home. Wah wah waaaah.

I'm also getting sad about leaving K. You'd think I'd never been apart from him before. We're just in this nice long streak of having fun together and not bickering and I just am not in the mood to be away from him. Plus I love my bed. Seriously, if we ever divorced, I think we'd have to have a wrestling match to determines who gets the bed.

You know what else I'm feeling right now? Settled. I don't know what came over me but I just feel settled into my life right now. Are there things that I wish were different, obviously. But I am enjoying living in our house. I'm enjoying reconnecting with some friends both here and elsewhere. I'm settled into winter. Long live the sweatpants and flannel jammers. I really hope that we will be soon bringing a baby into our settled life soon.

I feel like K and I have turned the corner from that dark and miserable period we had. He's happy. Happy husband = happy wife. Of course we're still scared about the future but at least now we're working together on our future.

Monday, January 17, 2011

I supermanned it and other embarrassing things

I totally bought it once on the snowmobile this weekend. It happened to occur only a few short minutes after a big pack of snowmobilers came through the back yard on the way to the bar. I wasn't sure if they saw me so I jumped up and did a little dance as though I meant to do that. I waved to the kitchen window as if K was there watching...just in case. It had to be a funny sight. I totally made a snow track in the backyard and went around and around and around and...well you get the picture :o)

I have another interview set up for Thursday! This is one I was hoping would come through for me. The pay is slightly less than what I was just making but more than the job I was offered to start on the 31st. I'm really not sure what I should do to be honest. I'm so afraid of starting the low paying job and not being available to interview. I'm afraid of people thinking less of me for turning down a job too. I know that I need to do what's best for me and K but I still feel like people judge others' situations.

I guess the downside to blogs is that you don't always get the full picture. Blogs can be here to vent and to put whatever side of a story we want out there if we want to do so. Of course I worry about money. I've mentioned it here numerous times. When my truck was dying of old age I felt like a noose was being turned around our necks. The truth is that somehow, things work out. We still live comfortably and if we had to tighten in the reins we could. I don't want to give people the impression that we are on the verge of bankruptcy or anything. Anyway...I just had to get that out there, lol. Don't ask me why I felt the need, I just did. I think I just felt like I didn't want people to think we are flat broke...just broker than we would like ;o)

And that brings me back to the job front. I'm supposed to be housesitting for my mom and stepdad next week while they go to Mexico. I'm afraid of having to schedule interviews next week. I need to do the interviews but at the same time, I've already made a commitment to my parents to be in Chicago for the week. I suppose if it came down to it I could drive back up for the day but that is a LOT of wear and tear on the car and gas isn't cheap. There's not really anyone else they can ask to watch the cats either. Here is my final confession and please don't judge because I am already embarrassed enough about it. My mom's house has been destroyed my cats. It's gross.

When my mom met my stepdad and things got serious, they moved in together to the house he built. It was still in the finishing touches when we moved in but it was a gorgeous house. 4000sq ft on a huge lot in a fabulous Chicago suburb. All 6 panel oak doors, two massive stone fireplaces, soaring ceilings....just fabulous. At the time, I wanted a kitten. They relented. My stepdad wanted one litter of kittens and then get Molly fixed. Well...they weren't quick enough to get her fixed. And she had a second. And they were inside/outside cats and the first litter of cats had a litter...Do you see where this went? I was in middle school when the first litter was born. Slowly but surely the cats took over. At the height of it, there were 20 cats in the house. I know. Seriously, I know. Animal lovers - I get how wrong the situation became. As a young teen there was little I could do to rectify the situation.

I started becoming really embarrassed as the smell got worse and the house got destroyed little by little. My mother and my stepdad are the type of people who will bitch and moan just because they can, not because it will fix anything. They blamed each other for the problem yet NEVER did anything to fix it. My mom refused to take them to the shelters for fear of them being put down. She'd rather live in stink. They were her companions when my stepdad was elsewhere. Whatever. My stepdad never lifted a finger to help clean up after them because they were "your mother's cats."

Before I go any further...yes, their relationship is beyond dysfunctional. There are stories ten shades of fucked up about them but that's another time, another place. To say my childhood was messed up is putting it mildly. I think that I still could benefit from some counseling strictly having to go with my parents. Ok, back to the other stuff.

So yeah the house was grody. I never wanted to have friends over when I moved switched high schools at 16. I mean, think about how isolating it is to be the new kid in a huge school, you're an only child moving into a different parent's house for the first time and you can't invite any new friends over to hang out because you're embarrassed by the smell of the house you live in. I got a job as soon as I turned 16 and I worked as many hours as I could and hung out after hours at the restaurant I worked at with my coworkers so I wouldn't have to invite anyone over. I can't believe that I actually was ok enough with asking K to come over in the very beginning. Of course we were also looking for some alone time...lol. Young horny love ;o)

Back to present day, I am not looking forward to being there. I just feel grossed out being there. They are down to "only" 8 cats, all of which are getting up there in age. I think it's finally getting to the point where they are dwindling faster and maybe then they can start the long, long process of rebuilding that house. You know, my embarrassment is two fold. I would be so sad if my mom ever saw this or found out that I really do feel this way. I know that she actually feels the same way but it's that pink elephant in the room. I would hate to hurt her feelings. I know she would also be extremely defensive and it would cause a major fight. I've had enough of those with her over the course of my life so I'm enjoying our mostly drama free relationship. I'm also embarrassed because I wish that I never had to go through that. I wish that I could just have people over for a reunion while I'm down in Chicago but I can't. It sucks.

Friday, January 14, 2011

This one's for K

And that's because he says I have to write it. He told me when he gets home he is going to check up on this blog.

What could possibly be so important that HE is forcing me to write a mindless entry today? The snowmobile. And how we're going to ride it. And how I'm beyond giddy at the prospect of suiting up like a power ranger and taking off on the thing all weekend long.

Yup, I'm a dork. I'm debating on the pink power ranger or the green one. I'm a big 4 year old, didn't you know? Except for the fact that that crap is tres $$$. Sorry, I'll look like the reject in non-authentic power ranger gear.

And yes, there is snow in the forecast for tonight. 3-6 and I'm happier than hell. Who is this chick and what did she do with the winter hating Wisconsin bashing woman that used to write this blog?

I wish my snowmobile had awesomesauce ground efffects like this:
but it doesn't.
I'm hoping that this isn't how my weekend ends:
or like this:
Even the cat is getting into it

Yup. It's a little obsession right in this household. Thankfully it's a cheap one (for now). Someday maybe I'll be as awesome as this chick:

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Terrified Hypocrite

That would be me. And you wanna know why? We bought a snowmobile tonight. And before anyone gets all huffy, it was only $150. Seriously. A neighbor of ours just wanted to get his shed cleaned out. It just needs a new windshield ($40), a new seat and a new battery for the lights ($30). It's old and not as awesome as newer sleds but what the hell do we know about snowmobiles?! Who cares - it's just a fun little toy to make the winter go faster. So yeah, that's the fun part of this entry.

The other part is mainly just infertility stuff. You know. Stuff.
There was an interesting thread on the infertility board and it turned into hurt feelings on the success side of things. It's hard to explain why we feel the way we do. No one is right. I know half the time I understand my thoughts can be irrational and unfair but it's how I feel at that moment. Sometimes we need to let the ugly out of the bag in order to move on. Jealousy is a nasty piece of us sometimes. I personally never mean it in a bad way, but there's always a longing and sadness root to it.

Quite frankly I'm beyond scared right now. I have tried to brush over it on here and on the boards and in conversations. The truth is that I lose sleep at night thinking about how badly I want this hail mary IUI to work. I was matched through the out of pocket meds donation we have through the boards and I was beyond grateful to have found one girl with 800iu's of Follistim to donate and then another girl with 300iu's for me. That was hopefully going to cover the follistim for this cycle (still would need bravelle and ovidrel but obviously the donated follistim was helpful beyond words). Well...an accident happened with the first girl and she contacted me to let me know that the vial broke and she couldn't send anything to me. What could I say? I told her that accidents happen and to not worry about it, thanked her again for her generosity and that was that. Inside, I was heartbroken. Mind you I was never mad or anything like that. I was just upset at circumstances. Why do things like that happen to me? Hopes are lifted and then someone above has a cruel joke to play and you are left to pick up the pieces again. I can't help but think "I wonder if this is a sign as to how this cycle is going to go?" Wrong? Maybe. I can't help it though.

We're using our FSA money for this cycle. We'll get one IUI out of it and then we're off to IVF. I've been setting up appointments with clinics based on family and friend's (including all of your) suggestions. Part of the drama on the boards is something I brought up and it pertained to insurance coverage. Basically the convo was going on about how some were jealous of those that got pg off "only" one IVF. I brought up that I was jealous of those that had IF coverage that would cover multiple IVFs if needed. I am happy for those that have that benefit. I know they are grateful they have it. The question was never about who deserved it or not- we all deserve it. My point, that got lost in translation I think, is that some of us are one and dones. We get one shot at IVF at a time. I am not even 100% sure where the money for IVF will come from for us. I know we will have a little left over in FSA, we'll be throwing every last penny into saving for it. Our parents might loan us some but that's not a given. I know it will require yet another smaller break to accomplish this. I have so much riding on this IUI. Please God let it work. 

Is terrified a bad descriptive word to use? To the fertiles and the sane it's most likely melodramatic. To the infertiles - I know you understand. I am not sure how I will react if I get yet another big friggin negative. I'm afraid of never being a mom. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of becoming depressed. I'm just afraid right now.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Running Bucket List

I've been thinking about typing one of these up for a long time now. I keep coming up with things that I feel like I should do before I die and then I forget them. So much for those ideas I suppose. So I guess I'll actually put this down on "paper" and add to it as needed. Without further ado:

- take a summer to rent an RV and drive around the country without an itinerary. There's something innocent and poetic about it. I want to explore on my own timeline. I want to camp in the luxury of a motorhome. There's something freeing about the idea.

- visit every MLB stadium for a game. If I can swing it, I want to do them in spurts. A week here and there of getting 4 or 5 stadiums in at one time. Not terribly difficult to do if you consider in California I could get the Angels, Dodgers, Padres, Giants and Athletics in all in one state. On the east coast I could easily do the Yankees, Mets, Bo Sox, Phillies, Pirates, Nationals, Orioles in one shot. Yes I am a baseball enthusiast and this is a dream of mine that is high on my bucket list.

- go actual storm chasing in Tornado Alley. The only thing in life I've always been passionate about is weather. I should have been a meteorologist or a tornado chaser or a researcher.

- backpack through Europe for at least two weeks

- stay in an over-the-water bungalow in Bora Bora or Tahiti or the Maldives

- find some of my family on my mother's side that are still in Athens, Greece

- learn another language. I was fluent in spanish but if you don't use it, you lose it. So I need to get that back. I also learned basic french. I want to re-learn that. But I also want another language mixed in there. Maybe greek, maybe polish or russian. I'm not sure but I think languages are beautiful and I want to learn more of them.

-  re-new our vows on a Caribbean beach. It's how we dreamed our actual wedding day would be. You don't always get what you want and we have no regrets with having it at home surrounded by a few hundred of our friends and family but we still have this tinge of sadness that we didn't just go with our original plan. Barefoot on the beach, salt in the air, flower in my hair...my dream wedding.

So that's it so far. I know there are more things I will add to the list but this is a good start.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Snowmobile Sheriff

I have to admit my latest shenanigans. It's hilarious yet sad at the same time. You can totally tell I was an only child. I really know how to amuse myself. I can't believe I'm really writing this down and admitting it.

As I've said before, there is a neighborhood bar that borders the back of our property. It's never obnoxiously loud or rowdy so we don't have problems with it being there. With the snow, we've figured out that winter might be it's busiest time because of all the snowmobilers out on the lake and on the countryside. The packs make the frozen lake sound like a highway. It's kind of cool though. The property to our immediate west only has a garage, sheds and dog houses on it. It belongs to the house across the street and over a few houses. He has his own snowmobiles and has made a path for them through his property from the lake to the bar. Unfortunately on that side of our property, there isn't that much room between our house (and our bedroom!) and the edge of his property and the path he made.

We get some strays that choose to ride through our property and we are fine with that...as long as they aren't gunning it and riding like assholes. What pisses me off is that for a while, the packs were flying through on the path, at all hours of the day and night. Pretty rude if you ask me. If you're out on the lake, go as fast as you want. If you're going inbetween houses and within 20 feet of a house, slow the fuck down. There's no need to make that much noise at 2 in the morning. And there's no reason to go that fast when you don't know who's land you're on.

When we let the dog out, I worry that he will overrun the electric fence have on him. I don't want him chasing them. At night, they can't see him, he's chocolate colored so he blends into the shadows. If we've let him out and we all of the sudden hear them coming, we try to get him to come inside or at least go outside to supervise but it still makes us nervous.

So when they come flying through heading to the bar, I either run out into the path and slow them down in person or I wait until they park and I stand on my deck and yell at them. lol. I've gone off on a few already. I called the DNR and asked what I can do to enforce it and I have all the rules and regulations down ;o) Next up is me putting some orange cones and caution & slow signs. Like I keep telling them, I am not stopping them from using our property or trying to ruin the fun. Just watch out for my dog. You do not want to mess with me over this! :o)

Friday and Saturday nights are (obviously) the busiest with the traffic in and out. So I sit in our bedroom  (one of the windows faces the bar) and when I see them coming out of the bar, I go into the 1/2 bath that also faces the back, and I spy on them to make sure they're slowing it down. It's highly entertaining for me. K rolls his eyes and tells me I'm the craziest person he's ever met. He can't figure out how I can hear a snowmobile sound coming a mile away with the tv on and us having a conversation. I'm a nut, what can I say? I embrace it.

Oh the crazy antics you develop living in the country :o)

Friday, January 7, 2011

Delurking Week!! (among other things)

Guess what?! It's Delurking week. Well, it's almost over already but I have been absent from the blogosphere this week. At least I'm getting a few days in here. So come on out if you're reading and lurking beneath the shadows on this blog. I'm glad you're here and reading my crap ;o)

I was the lucky winner of a sinus infection this week. I started to get sick on Sunday night and it hit me full blast Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday was an iffy day and today I'm finally starting to feel about 85-90% I hate being sick. I hate being congested.

I took a class for beginner's knitting. I got the hang of it fairly quickly, which was surprising. My instructor said that I am a natural with the fiber arts. Yay! I think that I still prefer crochet to knitting but I haven't made anything knitting wise yet so I guess time will tell.

I also had a meeting with my RE on Tuesday. It left me just as confused as before I went. He is leaving my clinic and he is the only RE in the area. I have a few things rolling around in my head right now in terms of cycling. I think that I am going to do one last hail mary IUI with follistim and then if that isn't successful, I am going to have to move to a new clinic. I have no choice really. The only thing that I have to figure out is what clinic I am actually going to go to. With me not working at the moment I can "interview" other places. There are couple choices in the Chicago area that I want to explore. I also have options in Milwaukee and Madison. M & M are both at least an hour and fifteen minutes from me on way. Gurnee, IL is about 2 hrs and I want to have a consult there at Advanced Fertility Centers of Illinois. There is also a couple options in downtown Chicago. If I cycle back home, I can always stay with my ILs or my family. There's a lot to process really. I don't know how cycling will fit in if we move to IVF and I get a job and getting time off...I guess that's getting ahead of myself but it is something that I have to think about in the back of my mind. Oh, my doc brought up ovary drilling again and I can't really pinpoint why I am but I just don't want to do it. He always prefaces it with, "I know it has sort of fallen out of favor with modern treatment..." and I just keep going back to, well why? It is invasive, it's risky and I just have my reservations.

On the job front, I really don't have much to report. I thought maybe I would get a call from a company that called on my references to set up an interview but they filled the position. I have no idea why they called references before even having a phone interview. I completely trust those I have on my list so I don't for one second think I got a bad reference. Oh well. C'est le vie. I just feel so worthless. I don't know why it's been so hard to find a job this time around. I never had this problem before. I have had my resume and cover letters critiqued, I dress professional at interviews...it's just so frustrating.

I can just feel myself falling back into a funk. I'm tired of feeling like I do nothing to contribute. I worry about unemployment running out on me. I worry about another failed cycle. I worry about fighting with K. I worry about everything it seems. I want to go back to school and regroup my career. I'm in such a catch 22 here. I hate that I went to school for business/marketing. It was so generic. I settled. I lost my ambition. I can pinpoint to the day when I lost all drive but that's for another day. I know what I want to do now. I just have to go back to school for it. I have a long road ahead of me and I can't even get started on it until I can get back to working and get money back into savings, yadda yadda yadda. I'm envious of those that always knew what they wanted to do and are doing it. I am jealous in a good way of their success and career fulfillment. One day I hope to be there too.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

1.1.11 The Resolutions Post

So here they are, in no particular order:

- continue to loss weight and get back into shape
- read more
- fight less. Especially with K. Learn to just let things be. I can't change everything and sound advice will not be taken - learn to just let it go.
- continue to realize that some people will never change. Cutting ties with those that bring you down is so important to your own sanity and well being.
- find a job
- travel if time & money allow
- rebuild that savings to a non-panic inducing amount
- I would say swear less but honestly, that's not going to happen. It may not be polite. It may not be lady-like. I may sound uneducated. But I like saying fuck. and shit. and asshole. so that stays
- Get Pregnant. for realz yo. Enough of this infertility crap. I'm so over it. I do not want to hit 4 yrs ttc.

Happy New Year 1.1.11

What started off as an enjoyable evening at home somehow went awry. The sump pumps in this house have been an ongoing issue. They have been sticking, thus making one run almost constantly, nearly burning out the motor. We came home to that after being away for nearly a week. Who knows how long it had been doing that. Thankfully, we didn't flood. So K was trying to mess with that last night, becoming agitated, thus making me agitated. Then the dumb dog decided to play in the huge mud puddle outside and he tried to attack me when I was cleaning him off. K drank a lot and he just got under my skin. You know the times where you aren't really fighting but you are nonetheless annoyed with them for the way they are acting? That was me after midnight. I guess in my head I had a nice quiet evening in my head and it just went awry and I'm more disappointed than I thought I would be.

I woke up to my phone not working. I put it on the charger when I went to bed around 2:30a.m. It was working fine up until that point. Then I woke up and it won't turn on. I tried the battery pull trick - nothing. I tried putting it back on the charger thinking that maybe for some reason it didn't charge and it died (even though it would be highly unlikely) and that didn't do anything either. So apparently my phone has taken an instant dislike to 2011. I'm pissed because I didn't want to spend the money for a new phone right now. I was content with my BB curve, even if it was outdated.

My confession: the reason I think I am extremely bummed is that I read a post on the boards about how there is a belief (I want to say Jewish but I'm not completely sure) that how you spend the the last day of the year is how you will spend the new year. It you're stressed, fighting, angry, etc...that's how you'll spend it. I know that rationally, the year's emotions are whatever you make of them but with this crappy year behind us, I wanted to do what I could to start off 2011 on the right foot.

What am I even bitching about now? I have no idea. Forgive me. I'm just in a weird mood and I hope it goes away fast.

Happy New Year. Happy 2011. May 2011 be the most fantastic year yet for my family, your family and may we move on from the hellhole of infertility.