Sunday, July 31, 2011

Progress

I have to say that even though I got nothing accomplished today, it was a very productive day. I needed this. A day to watch tv on the couch, run into some stores I wanted to, take a nap, laugh with K and not have to worry about entertaining anyone. It was heaven. Tomorrow, well technically today, I need to get a LOT accomplished. Yard work, basement, cleaning, groceries, working on work I brought home (gag).

I posted on fb that if I knew that it wouldn't end in bankruptcy, I would have walked out on my job on Thursday because I was sick and tired of crying at my desk. It's true. I am overwhelmed. I am stressed to the max. I try to ask questions and get guidance from my co-workers and supervisors but I am always feeling like I'm not getting it. I was never properly trained and they have me writing the procedures for my position (the aforementioned work I brought home this weekend). How am I supposed to write procedures if I don't even know what I am doing most of the time?! My probation review is on Monday and I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. We, like millions out there, need my income to support us. Yes, I do have my eyes open for other jobs but the job postings are scarce here still - maybe even worse than 4 months ago when I was hired. I hope something else will come my way soon!

Something that sort of clicked in my head tonight revolved around an internal thought train I was having while watching an air show here in town. I think that I have been so consumed with what "isn't" and what "may never be" that I have forgotten what "is."

I was not a bitter person. I was a happy go lucky, life of the party, smiling, confident woman. What happened to me? I'm a (super-sized) shell of who I was. I was sitting in the church for Ed's funeral on Friday listening to the mass and I felt something stir. I still have the religion war going on internally but I realized I missed having faith. I missed having hope. Those two things have been so far out of my life that I forgot what they were like. I still don't believe in the church in the way I did growing up but I'm ok with that. I really am. But I'm not ok not feeling like I'm believing in something, in someone. I stopped believing in myself, in my husband, in my life and future, in my abilities as an employee, in fairness, in friends, in family, in happiness, in God. That's a very long list of gloom.

I can't just snap my fingers and believe in things again but I do have to make a valiant effort to correct them. I need to let go of the sadness. I need to let that go for my own mental health. I need to start making a difference in my life and in others again. I was the person people would flock to for fun and for a chat. I haven't been there for others because I haven't been here for myself. I'm not fixed. Nor will writing this post make me fixed. But at least I have acknowledged that I need a change in my life. I just need one major thing to go right for a change. I need to wake up and be happy for a change instead of wondering what the fuck is going to ruin my day today. I need to stop hating fb pregnancy announcements. I have to settle on the fact that most people don't understand what years of infertility does to someone and they will never understand the pain I am in day in and day out. It's hard to come across people that honestly can't stand being a parent or act like it was just something they did because they felt the should not because they wanted to. Why them? Why do the "deserve" to be parents? They don't. They were just on the other side of the coin.

I have to say that things have calmed down at our house. We're making a conscious effort to make things right. I need to stop talking at him. He's right - I have been doing that a lot. Too much. He needs to deal with the stress he internalizes in a productive manner. I have to wonder if we are actually doing better than an be expected with all the things we have been dealing with over the last few years. Infertility, unemployment, depression, money stress, buying a house and renovating said house...Maybe we're actually lucky to be where we are at. We're re-evaluating things. What I have found is that not being with K is not what I want. He's my partner. He's my best friend and my biggest ally. We may have grown apart and there might be a wedge between us right now but we're not permanently broken. We're still us. We just are a much different version of us. Life has dealt us some shitty ass blows and yeah we've gotten a few bruises and broken bones - we're still breathing. That's all that's important. I have my husband and that's what I want. The rest is merely details.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Stitches in the head

...for K. Poor guy was working on the basement and he stood up...right into a sharp corner of the wall cabinet that houses the breaker box. He saw stars and swore up a storm. I heard him loud and clear from upstairs. So yeah...staples to the head later, and he's all good.

The shitty day at work was capped off by the shitty night at home. Well, I shouldn't say that. We actually been having a good few days. You know...I shouldn't even type that like that. It's hard to be so open on a public forum sometimes because it's your life. You end up having to justify feelings or censoring yourself. I try to never censor myself here and I hope that you appreciate that. It's tough though. I don't want to paint K as anything but the guy I fell in love with and married. But we have our problems. I don't know what the future holds. I can't say with 100% certainty that we will make it. But I know we'll try. Marriage is tough. It really is.

Anyway, we had his sister and her boyfriend up and it was a fun time. I love spending time with them. My SIL is such an amazing person. She always makes me laugh and her genuine concern for taking care of people is amazing. I'm lucky to have her in my life. Of course it doesn't hurt that she and I are a bit insane and looney. But hey, as long as we laugh at our own jokes, it's all good :o)

I will admit one thing though. I am seriously loving my empty house. While I have loved every minute spent with my family and friends over the last month, I am beyond ready to be able to walk around naked if I want to. I hate having to throw clothes back on right after my morning shower. It's the little things people ;o)

I will most likely be heading home tomorrow for the funeral of a close family friend on Friday morning and then turning around and coming right back up. He lost his 5 yr long battle with colon cancer yesterday. He lived 4.5 years longer than any doctor gave him. Ed was a huge jokester. He was my mom's best friend and he was like a crazy uncle to me. He did a wonderful reading at our wedding. This was what he read:

On Marriage
from Madeline Engel's The Irrational Season

“Ultimately there comes a time when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take.  It is indeed a fearful gamble.

Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created.  To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take.  If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom; and the risk of love which is permanent, into that love which is not possession, but participation.  It take a lifetime to learn another person.  When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co -creation which is our human calling.”

RIP Ed. You will be greatly missed. Thank you for being my friend. May all your pain finally be gone. XO

Friday, July 22, 2011

Yet another downer post

I admitted something in a confessions post today on the boards and actually hitting "post" made it seem so real. I admitted that I slept in the guest room and that I was unsure about the state of my marriage. All of that is true. Explaining my marriage is something I'm not sure what to say about though. I don't want to paint K as the bad guy, yet the problems stem from how he acts/deals with stress. I love him. I love him to death. He is my best friend. Imagining not being with him is something that I truly can't picture. But here we are, trying to figure out if we can fix us.

He is willing to go to counseling which is a big step in the right direction. I hope he follows through with it. I think that we can get back on track, I really do. I don't think that we have a horrible relationship. I just think that we've been dealt with so many crappy things in the last few years that we have lost touch on the ability to cope. It's like we've been on over-cope mood but in reality, we're not coping with anything. We're just existing. Is that bad? I'm not sure.

We do love each other. We both care about each other. Those are the most important things in my opinion. We'll figure it out. I'm not ready to give up yet. It's just hard.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sunset Bridge

Sunset Bridge is the latest installment in the Happiness Key books from Emilie Richards. I didn't even know that there were other books when I requested this book from my library. I found that it didn't matter that I hadn't read those. The characters and their intertwining lives are easy to get sucked in to. They all live on Happiness Key which Tracy owns. Wanda is busy trying to keep her pie shop a success and her daughter Maggie comes home from Miami after the end of her career and relationship. Janya is still struggling with being childless and trying to help her friends out in their time of need.

This book has a nice amount of drama - in the forms of an unexpected pregnancy, infertility, a hurricane, a double murder and relationship problems! Talk about a fairly packed novel, hahaha.
Completed:

  1. Read a book with a number in its title: 3 Willows by Ann Brashares, 10 pts.
  2. Read a book based on its cover: Sunset Bridge by Emilie Richards, 5 pts
Total: 15 pts

Monday, July 11, 2011

A fresh look

Oh my, this background looks so much better. I was so tired of my old look. I like bright colors but this is a nice change.

I am happy to report that we have made some significant progress (again) on the basement. We're already cracking the tiles on the floor and we have the bar moved out of the way. We actually had an "aha" moment after we moved the bar out of the way. The way the bar sat before closed off a nook in the room. It was like, all that could go there is bar. We are going to move the bar to a different wall and doing so will open up a huge area for K's "stage" for his guitar equipment and it will also create room for a banquet table to go in times of parties. I have no idea why we didn't think of that before. With BIL up here we are going to try to get as far as we can with his help. Gotta love 18 yr olds :o)

Anyway, that's just a quick little post. I have to get downstairs and take some pictures so I can share our progress soon!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Happy Anniversary to us! (PIP)

Today is our 4th anniversary! :o) That's pretty much all I came on here to write, lol. I'm a woman of many words lately huh? I just can't believe how fast it has gone by. IHO our day, I'll share some of my favorite pictures of our 777 wedding day.









Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Summer Illnesses

SUCK!
They really do. I got the feeling that I was coming down with something a couple days ago. I usually get a sinus infection around this time of the year and sure as heck, here it is.

I called in sick today from work. I don't have any sick days or PTO to use so this will be an unpaid day off. That really sucks. And of course it's a really crazy time at work for me. Things are ok at work. I don't feel a whole lot different about my job than I did in previous posts. I guess I am just getting used to everything.

I think I am going to catch up on some nesting, reading and dvr'd items. I hope I feel better for our anniversary tomorrow!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

3 Willows: The Sisterhood Grows


This is the same author as The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books. While it was an ok book, it wasn't the Sisterhood books. The girls are younger, set in the summer before their freshman year of high school. I think that this was part of the problem - the girls were simply too young to invest sooo much angst and feelings that the Sisterhood books brought to the table.

The story is about three girls who used to the best of friends but over the course of junior high, they all grew apart. Nobody really wanted to do too much to salvage the relationships either - well, some more than others tried here and there. The three of them spend that last summer before hs in three very different places - at camp thousands of miles away, at the summer beach house and at home. In the end, they all come to find that they still do need each other.

Some Sisterhood characters do make cameos in the book which was a nice touch but I think that was the highlight of the books for me. It wasn't a bad book by any means, just not my favorite YA.

Completed:
  1. read a book with a number in its title: 3 Willows by Ann Brashares, 10 pts.
Total: 10 pts

Friday, July 1, 2011

Unraveled


I have blogged about this knitting mystery series from Maggie Sefton before and Unraveled is her latest book in the series. It picks up where pretty much where we last saw Kelly Flynn and her group of friends. It is now 6 months after she came home and found that Steve walked out on her. She is picking up the pieces of her heart that were broken and she is busy working as much as she can for her new clients. Will in Denver she runs into Steve more and more. Will a reconciliation come?

When Jennifer and Kelly drive up to one of Jen's real estate listings in the Colorado canyons, they find the owner shot dead. Even though Kelly isn't a true detective, her sleuthing skills come out once again in full force. From the owner's estranged wife, to Kelly's boss and to being a self inflicted gun shot - the mystery of how Fred Turner died causes Kelly to follow her instincts and capture the killer.

____________ And this marks the last book for NBC's Spring Book Challenge! It went by incredibly fast! Even though I did read quite a few books, I am slightly disappointed that I wasn't able to complete more categories. That's ok though - today starts NBC's Summer Book Challenge (SuBC)!!! :o) So ha ha ha - you aren't going to see any fewer book posts from me most likely!

Final Completed List

  1. Book about/at a wedding: Wedding Season by Darcy Casper, 10 pts
  2. Book IHO pet owner's day: Dewey's Nine Lives by Vicki Myron, 10 pts  
  3. IHO Earth Day, read an ebook, audiobook or library book: The 9th Judgment by James Patterson, 5 pts 
  4. Read a book by an author with your name (first, middle, maiden, or last): Simply Irresistible by Rachel Gibson, 15 pts.
  5. Read a book with a person's entire head not visible (partially shown): Nothing But Trouble by Rachel Gibson, 5 pts 
  6. Read a popular book: a book that has at least 15,000 ratings (not reviews) on goodreads: Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett; 15 pts
  7. Book to continue a series you have already started: Viola in the Spotlight by Adriana Trigiani, 10 pts 
  8. IHO the Royal Wedding, read a book about royalty or a royal character: Diana, Closely Guarded Secret by Ken Wharfe; 15 pts
  9. Read something outside: Fire Sale by Sara Paretsky, 5 pts 
  10. Read a book with a one word title: Unraveled by Maggie Sefton, 5 pts
Final Total Pts: 95 pts