Thursday, December 25, 2014

Dear Bunny 4

Today is Christmas. Your very 1st Christmas. Oh how special this is for your daddy and me. 

You came into this world a little over a week ago and it has been nothing short of amazing. Your daddy and I have cried many happy tears while just sitting around holding you. We can't even begin to describe the amount of love we have for you. We are so grateful that you were sent to us. How we got so lucky I will never know. You are perfect in every possible way. You radiate this unbelievable beauty.

Our life changed for the better when we found out you were on your way to us. Our lives finally had meaning when you were born. I can't thank you enough for coming into our lives. 

We love you so much little girl. 


Monday, December 22, 2014

Baby Bunny is Here!

Team Green is no longer. We officially became Team Pink on December 16th at 11:25 pm!

Caroline Virginia was born via unscheduled c-section. Long birth story to follow in another more detailed post :) 

She weighed 7 lbs 14 oz, was 20 inches long, and has a full head of dark hair. 

Breastfeeding didn't start out going great - for whatever reason - but we are working on it and pumping as much as I can so that bunny can get all the liquid gold she can. 

And yes, I will still call her my little bunny now that I know she's a little girl, lol.

She is completely perfect. She had her daddy wrapped around her fingers the moment she came out. 

I've never known anything so incredibly amazing. It's mind boggling. K and sit here and stare at her and we cry tears of joy. Yes, we're sure most people who have a baby feel joy and happiness. We don't doubt that or try to minimize it but there is this extra level of thankfulness we feel. I have cried so many happy tears the last few days. It's not the postpartum hormones either. I just can't believe this is real. She's really here. It's surreal.

I am complete. She is my whole world. I have a daughter and she is amazing.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Bunny's still hopping around

No change on the fact that I am still over here baking our little bunny :-) Tomorrow I will be 38 weeks. It's simply incredible. These last weeks are tough but in reality, I just don't feel comfortable complaining about them. I will never get over the fact that this is actually happening. I never wanted to be that person on fb or blogs complaining about how hard being pregnant is. I wanted this. I wanted every bit of morning sickness and heartburn it comes with. I cried a little today when rubbing my belly because I am sad that it went by so fast. K had to remind me that for him it's taken forever. He just wants to meet his little miracle. I've gotten all the fun so far. He's just gotten all the extra workload, poor guy, lol.

We put up our tree today just in case bunny decides to come before Christmas. I wasn't really going to worry about decorations this year's just not the same without a little festive decor in the house. 

Yesterday we did a marathon day of Christmas shopping. 9.5 months pregnant shopping for 6+ hours is not an easy task let me tell you. I was hurting when we got home. Hurting with a capital H, lol. 

I am now officially on maternity leave as well. Friday was my last day until March! Well, in all technicality the next two weeks are technically the last of my 2014 vacation days but who's keeping track? This feels very weird. Very awesome and exciting but still weird.

I guess my plan for the next week is to do things around the house to organize and clean and I also have plenty of crochet projects I want to finish up. Oh and bake cookies! I didn't bake a thing last Christmas and I was sad about that. I better enjoy these last days of eating sweets...once bunny comes into the world I can't really use the "I'm pregnant I can eat whatever dessert I want" card anymore!!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Dear Bunny 3

Dear my sweet little bunny, 

I sit here tonight eagerly awaiting your arrival. Your daddy is so incredibly excited as well. He makes sure to rub my belly and talk to you often. We both can't wait to meet you. You should be here any day now. I just can't believe it. I can't believe sometime soon I will have you in my arms and not my belly. 

I have been nothing but eternally grateful to be pregnant with you. I still have to remind myself that this is actually happening. Our dreams are coming true. You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to your daddy and me. We love you so much. We will never be able to tell you just how much you mean to us. We will try, trust me we will, but we'll never be able to fully explain it. 

You are well loved by so many people. You are coming into the world with 6 grandparents who all love and adore you without ever meeting you. Your great-grandmas (and grandpas) are so happy they will get to meet and spoil you. One thinks you're a boy and the other says girl. It's fun to hear their predictions. 

No matter who you are, I promise we will love you unconditionally. Boy or girl, we are overjoyed. When you grow up, we will support you in whatever you want to do with your life (other than be a low-life bum or criminal). You can love whoever you want to love. You can marry whoever you want to marry. We only want you to be happy and healthy. I will request my own grandchildren though. Sorry, you won't escape that one with me. 

I hope that I will be exactly who you need me to be as a mom. I will do my best. You deserve nothing but that. You and your daddy are my world my little bunny. My God I will miss calling you my little bunny. I will miss your kicks. I will miss your twitching and your somersaults. I have never, ever felt more comfortable in my own skin than I do now - because nothing else matters. My priority has been you. To get you here healthy and safely. My world was changed forever on April 20th, 2014. That was the day I found out you were on your way. 

There is a song that is out on the radio right now and I cannot listen to it without bawling like a baby. Your Auntie H, your daddy, and I saw it preformed live by Garth Brooksa couple months ago. I suppose that means that you also "saw" it as well. The lyrics are below - and they are so true for me. I love you forever and always. I can't wait to meet you my precious, amazing, miracle little bunny. 



Little baby told God hey I'm kind of scared.
Don't really know if I want to go down there.
From here it looks like a little blue ball
That’s a great big place and I'm so small.
Why can't I just stay here with you?
Did I make you mad, don't you want me too?
God said oh child of course I do
But there’s somebody special waiting for you

So hush now little baby, don't you cry
Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender tough and strong
It's almost time to go and meet your mom.

You'll never have a better friend
Or a warmer touch to tuck you in
She'll kiss your bruises your bumps and scrapes
And anytime you hurt
Her heart’s gonna break

So hush now little baby, don't you cry
'Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender tough and strong
It's almost time to go and meet your mom.

And when she's talking to you make sure you listen close
She's gonna teach you everything you'll ever need to know
Like how to mind your manners, to love and laugh and dream
She'll put you on the path that bring you back to me

So, hush now little baby, don't you cry
Cause there's someone down there waiting whose only goal in life
Is making sure you're always gonna be alright
A loving angel tender tough and strong
Come on child it's time to meet your mom

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Taking notes

I really don't have much of a point to this post but I wanted to write it all down somewhere as a record of what was going on just in case it means something :) And for anyone not really caring about bodily functions and fluids, I'd probably skip this blog post.

I've been having strong contractions (Braxton Hicks I would still call them technically) for the last week and a half - since my ob appointment about 10 days ago. This past Friday (today is Wednesday) K and I went out to dinner and then to the mall to do some Christmas shopping and at times the contractions were strong enough to make me have to "breathe through them." We went home and I took a bath as they say that with false contractions, baths seem to help calm them down. It only helped minimally. I went to bed early and Saturday woke up with more. They went away for the most part during the afternoon/evening. Sunday I only had a few bursts of them. 

Everyday since I've had them, sometimes frequent and strong. I've also had decent cramping most days, today being one of those days. When I was getting dressed this morning I was putting on my pants and I heard these weird popping noises. Now, it wasn't like a stomach gurgle and nothing gushed out. But it was distinct pops. On my way to work the contractions were 8 minutes apart but by the time I settled at my desk, they went away. After my first and second "pees" of the day at work, when I wiped it was like the tp was stained a golden yellow/slightly brown. It wasn't goopy and then my afternoon/evening pees did not have this same staining. I have no idea what that means, lol. Tonight while we were out shopping I had to pause in the parking lot because I had a few intense jabs of pain that felt like they were in my crotch, lol. I've been having some back pains (not terrible, just discomfort) and I had my first loose bowel movement a few minutes ago. 

Now I know not everyone goes into labor after these things but I've read stories so ya never know ;) I just want to write it down anyway. I really am getting anxious to get the show on the road. Yet, of course I never want this pregnancy to end. If I could technically pick my date to give birth it would be in another ten days. That would assure me being on vacation, a few days of rest at home, enough time left in my "bank" at work to use for my first week of maternity leave pay, an baby would hopefully be here and home by Christmas. Wishful thinking huh? 

I'm so ready for this...and yet not. I love you little bunny and I can't wait to meet you (but I can)!

Friday, December 5, 2014

What this month really means

Maybe I should just apologize in advance for the following blog post. It's just so much more than I can put into words. 

This month isn't just about actually bringing bunny into the world. 

It's not just about having a baby. Lots of women do it. And lots of women will do it this month right along side me. Well, if bunny decides to stay on time it will all be this month. 

This month means so much more to me and K because it's the end of such an incredibly painful and twisting and crazy road for us. We've done it. We made it through. We're entering the other side. 

There are couples who go through the same or even worse paths to parenthood. Even though it's the end, it is never closed. Infertility leaves such an engrained mark on our lives and our hearts that we never fully recover. We will never get this time back. We will never be able to put the hurt and pain and sadness and disparity in a little section in our memory to be forgotten about. Some of us lost years of our lives. We locked ourselves away to be able just to cope and survive all the while putting on these fronts day after day and endless "are you going to have kids" questions. We never knew how to answer it. 

This month is about K and me being able to say we made it. 

We almost divorced because of infertilty.

He drank away his pain. I sought refuge in my IF friends and let us drift apart.

I succumbed to diagnosed depression coupled with anti-depression meds and therapy.

We survived lay offs and family drama and paying tens of thousands of dollars for more heartache and failure. 

We lost who we were as a couple and as lovers.

We lost who we were as people and individuals. We were shells of people stumbling through life pretending.

When we did this IVF:

it wasn't the feeling of peeing on a pregnancy test for the first time and actually thinking it could be positive. 

It wasn't feeling like the weight of all your dreams of being a mom were waiting at the end of those two minutes for the test to turn to two lines. 

It was having all of your parents knowing when and where your eggs and his sperm were collected. 

It was having all your parents know when you would be finding out and you not knowing how to break the news to them if it was negative. 

It was every waking and non-waking moment being consumed with the intense fear that you might not succeed and this is the end of the road for you. 

It was every moment of the last 6.5 years bottled into one moment. That one moment when the doctor confirmed a heartbeat. 

Because for infertility patients, we know that a positive pregnancy test (or 20 of them that we all know we take just to be sure we aren't imagining it) doesn't mean anything. 

We know the first beta doesn't really mean anything. 

Nor the second, or the third, or the fourth. Hell, the heartbeat doesn't even soothe us completely. An ultrasound doesn't calm our fears.

So while the next 9 or so months are consumed with overwhelming happiness and gratitude, it doesn't mean infertility and fear is gone. 

Every day since we got pregnant I have woken up hoping and praying that this baby is thriving. That we will meet him or her shortly but am quite content to keep him or her in forever. 

Every day I wake up knowing that I fought so hard for this baby. I dreamed for this baby. I sacrificed and struggled for this baby. I would die for this baby in an instant, no questions asked. 

This month is about more than just a baby being delivered. It's about words that aren't even in the dictionary to describe this feeling. It's about a miracle in our lives. It's about all the pain being worth it. It's about the tears cried being finally wiped away with a kleenex. It's about never knowing if you would give your parents a grandchild of their own coming true when you are their only child.

So in this final month, that is what it means to us. This month is taking everything above and saying, it was worth it. We made it. We fought the battle and somehow won.  We're scarred and we have wounds. But we're alive on the other side.

This month is about bunny and so much more.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

9 Months...The final countdown

Well, here I am 9 months in! This is the last few weeks of my pregnancy and I am feeling all sorts of emotions. I'm so thankful to be here and to be meeting our little one so soon. I'm sad because I loved this experience. I will miss my big bunny belly. I will miss the kicks and jabs. I'm so happy that we were able to travel this road. I had lost hope many times over the years.

And since I used to do a ton of venting, some irrational and some not, I have one to add tonight. Bunny is being thunder jacked. Ok, fertile won't quite understand. But my fellow infertiles will. My SIL, the one who used to be one of my best friends up until her betrayal during her engagement/wedding, dropped the bomb yesterday that she's 4 weeks pregnant. As in was sending me a pic of the pee stick before it was even dry. Of course she prefaced it with an "I've been having nightmares about telling you" and then a "I won't tell mom and dad until after bunny comes so that they can be joyful for bunny and for you." Ok, that just sounds so shitty. So they can't be joyful if they knew? Like is your kid more special? And what hurts is that she couldn't just give us this time alone to be pregnant. For months she kept bringing it up that she was going to get pregnant in November and wouldn't it be great to be pregnant together?! I was always honest and told her that I really wanted to be the only one pregnant and that it wouldn't be fun for me. There was no pressing reason for her to start trying in November. Other than her (hopefully tongue in cheek) comment about how it would be payback for her since I'm due near her birthday so she'll have a baby on mine. Yeah...she's due 4 days before mine. I told K for months now that she will be the one to get pregnant on her first try. I could have been a millionaire if I bet on it. They stopped preventing two weeks ago on their vacation and sure as fucking shit she's knocked up. 

Since she wasn't going to tell my ILs until Christmas or after bunny, I forced the issue with her. I don't want her to announce to the world she's pregnant a few days after I give birth. I told her to just tell mom and dad. I hate that she decided to tell me and then force me to hold her "secret". For what? I mean, really? You knew my position (selfish as some may see it) and you didn't care and then you tell me but want to have me pretend for weeks that all is fine? No. Not happening. So I told her to tell the parents. She's already told work since she has to wear a special monitor to check radiation dosages. I told her to tell them yesterday since that's when she told work and me. She said no bc her husband wants to be there. I said well K and i had to do it by phone (since we don't live there) and she said they'd take them out to dinner this weekend and tell them. You know, to make it special and all that shit.

After seven years of infertility this hurt is nothing new. I get I can't control others. I just hate that this was a selfish move on her part. There's no reason why she couldn't have waited one more month to get pregnant (since it obviously was not hard to succeed) so that I could finish out my pregnancy alone. It's just about attention. I was pregnant during the last 7 weeks of her engagement and now the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy is shared. She couldn't just let us have the attention for not even nine months. All the bullshit comments about how "excited she is" and how much she "loves her niece or nephew" leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. I feel like it's all fake. I feel cheated. I hate this. I hate that she couldn't just let us have this. I wasn't asking for a year. 1 month. That's all. For the rest of my baby's life, it will share those same milestones with her kid. 

In the grand scheme of the things in life, it's not the end of the world. I understand this. I understand there will be people who don't understand why it hurts me and that's ok too. 

All I need to try to do now is focus on my family and my baby to be. I love this little one so much. I want all the love and attention to be on this little miracle - because that's what bunny is - a miracle. I am so lucky. So freaking lucky in that department. No matter what hell we went through to get to this moment, it was all worth it. Maybe that's the one fortunate thing infertility can awareness of how incredibly precious this is. It may happen easy for some, like my SIL, but they will never know what it really feels like to fight for this moment. That's something that she can never take away from me.